And this song made me cry tonight
You guys, I hate dating.
There. I’m saying it. I hate it. I know you’ve all come here to laugh and revel in our dating stories but truthfully, I’ve been hating this scene for a month or so now and Delilah’s been hating for a bit longer than that.
Hatred does not make for good blog fodder. Nor does that lack of motivation to get your ass out there. I’ve got both of those going at the moment. I’m considering taking the rest of the summer off to just “do me”… which will be taking on multiple meanings, if you catch my drift…
and then something or someone slowly reels me back in. Sometimes it’s just cause I’m horny but look, I SWEAR I haven’t even contacted my favorite Booty Call in months!!… well except for last week.. but the lack of motivation to even put that together killed it before I could say, “Be here at… ” . And sometimes it’s a text message or a phone call… or just a silly thought I manifest in my own head.
Maybe it’s the weather? Maybe it’s just too hot to date right now? I do get irrationally angry when people try to touch me and it’s hot out. On a recent occasion I half whispered/half-hissed “I hate everyone” to my cousin as I walked past her at a baby shower. Maybe it’s just my attitude.
Anyone else having a hard time getting into the dating scene at the moment?
Any tips for keeping yourself going?
In this dance of dating… how do you decide when to have sex with a new partner?
Do you have a set number of dates?
Wait for a feeling?
Wait a certain length of time?
I’m just curious how the rest of you are doing this? Clearly I need help figuring this part out.
I sometimes give up on myself.
I give up the hope and belief that good things will happen for me when it comes to love…hell, when it comes to life.
I have to combat negative self-talk way more than I’d like to admit (though far less in the past 2 years than ever before.).
But as I give up hope there is a nagging little voice, that I like to equate to Tinkerbell, that semi-whispers into my heart that there is hope…that it could be… that the dreamer/fairy tale princess inside of me can actually win.
This week, Tinkerbell whispered with a photograph.
You can’t get to a place that you don’t believe exists.
I want the damn fairy tale.
I’m admitting it.
I want that perfect happily ever after.. you know, the one that you know is not so perfect and not so 100% happily ever after..but I want the story. I want the romance. I want that fairy tale.
I want the kind of love that you can drop everything for. The kind that you can be completely impractical about. The type where someone will slay a dragon, fight his way through guards and smell every dirty foot in the country just to find you.
Because here’s the truth.
I would do that.
There is little I wouldn’t do when I truly love someone and yet for some reason, I never seem to find the guys that would go that extra mile… or even 1/4 mile…into the wilds for me.
And before you tell me that they don’t exist (cause trust me, I went through that phase too) I know they do. I’ve seen men like this with my friends… my dad…I know they’re there.
That’s it. I’m putting my foot down. Where the hell is Prince Charming?
We’ve been quiet over here for awhile.
Both Delilah and I have been swamped with actual work and other life issues… so unfortunately our dating blogging has suffered.
I’m sorry about that.
I promise I’ll be back in the next week or so with some updates, guest posts and other musing on the world of dating and love.
But how are all you doing?
In light of a recent email or idea for a blog post or just some other idea, I figured it was time to do some math.
After doing the math, I decided math time was over, and it was time to do what I do best, try to make pretty little categories and cram shit in there so it’s less chaotic and more orderly. So, without further ado, here are the categories of dudes I have had the sexy time with:
- The Web
Now, In a perfect world, I’d be able to have these lists be mutually exclusive. But I haven’t seen a perfect anything lately, let alone a whole world. Have you?
So while you may think, holy crap, Collette is a giant hobag (and you may be right), it’s not as many dudes as you may think.Some of them exist in a few categories. Settle down, you.
I’d like to address each category, so today let’s start with FUN.
Here’s how it’s going down: Fun (5)
There are 5 awesome dudes in this category.
They were awesome way back when, they’re pretty awesome now. Even if by “now”, I just mean the way they exist in my memory. I didn’t want a relationship from them, and they didn’t want a relationship from me. We knew what we were getting into and we definitely got into it.
For some of us, things weren’t so simple down the line and some emotions got in our way a little bit. But when I think about it, I’d still hook up with 4 out of 5 them again, if we had the opportunity. They were just good old fashioned American fun, and I loved how carefree each one was at the time. I could say or do anything really with each one, and not be afraid all the time that he would think less of me. That was a pretty freeing feeling.
It helped me learn to relax a little bit also, being with these guys at different stages in my life. I found that I had an inner ferocity that I didn’t realize existed before. I stepped away from my wallflower self and moved toward my fiery self. It’s pretty cool, now that I am reflecting on it.
I like to think of everything as a learning opportunity, and that’s what my Fun 5 were. Lessons learned. Primarily that it’s okay to have a specific agenda or none at all. That it’s alright to enjoy the company of the guy who is right in front of you, without spending any time dwelling on the guy he was in the past or creating romantic ideas of the guy he’ll be in your future.
The Fun 5 taught me to live in the moment. They taught me to exist and love more freely. And they taught me how to let go. We parted ways and I’m okay with that for them all. I was then, and I am now.
I wonder how the guys I don’t keep in touch with are doing, and I hope they’re happy. There’s only one who I’m still in regular contact with and I don’t have to wonder about him. He’s just fine. And so am I. I owe part of that fine-ness to the Fun 5.
I’ve been swimming along in this little dating adventure feeling like a big fish in a small pond.
There’s no good way to say this so I’m just going to say it.
In terms of the dating pond, I had been feeling like I was the hot fish in the tank.
Online dating has been relatively good to me. No major scars. Nothing so traumatic I haven’t been able to come back from.. that being said, no major love connections either. No one I was truly into….
Cue the Southern Boy.
My first EHarm date. We’d been chatting on the phone for about 2 weeks before we finally went out, schedules and such..
He was the first date in a long time that made me nervous. I was already kinda diggin this guy, his confidence and his openness… I was excited about meeting him and worried about how it would all turn out. He was the date I had a minor panic attack over.
Our first date was nice… went well, had a lot to talk about. No kiss.. but a friendly hug and let’s definitely do this again.
We continued to talk. Went out again. I’m attracted to him (that seemed to be the area that was lacking most in many of my dates) and I’m wondering about making out with him when he starts saying things that are red flags for me. “Doesn’t like Christmas. Not a fan of the holidays.” “Not a good relationship with his family.” “No friends in the area” “Prefers to stay home and watch movies” (in fact our last 3 dates were hang-outs at his place, and once at mine. Red flags, red flags.. but I’m attracted to him… this counts for something. It’s early yet, I don’t end it. He’s the dude I went on this date with.
So let’s recap: I’m attracted to him. I know it wasn’t going to work out but I’m not ready to end it.. I have this small hope that maybe, I’m wrong.
And also there’s this wild attraction I can’t get rid of…. hmmmm..
I think I’m awesome and clever (ya know, big fish > small pond) and think, no harm can come from a good healthy make out session… I’m attracted to him damn it!! He makes me feel sexy so I go for it. And it’s fun, things are going well and bam! Right in the middle of it, I feel the lack of connection and falter and he notices. But neither of us says anything and on we go.
The next day we say goodbye.. and then I don’t hear from him.
We had made plans for a Wednesday night and in the span of the 2 days leading up to it, I received 2 texts. Returns to my own messages. Very odd for him (he liked to message me all day long) and talk to me every day. At first I didn’t think anything of it, but on Wednesday morning, when I still hadn’t heard from him I decided to text him:
Me: Hey, haven’t really heard from you. I’m assuming we aren’t doing anything tonight. Have a good day.
Him: Hey, I was trying to think of the best way to tell you this but the other night wasn’t what I had expected or hoped. And I think you felt the same way.
I’m dumbfounded. What the fuck does that mean?!?!?!?!?
Me: The best way is to just be honest with me and say it. That’s one thing I’ve liked about you from the beginning, your honesty (even when it was completely inappropriate). You’re right, I don’t think this is going to work out. It was nice getting to know you.
But here’s the thing. I’m hurt. And you can say, “But Stella, you weren’t that into him anyway and you didn’t think it was going to work out.” And yes, you’re right but in my overanalytical way, I’m pretty damn sure that what I got there was a ” You suck at all things sexual” OR “You’re ugly naked” send off.
AND OUCH, tt stings. A lot.
Guess I’m not that hot fish I seemed to think I was.
Has anything like this ever happened to you? How did you/do you handle it?
Here’s what I think about love:
It is important, and you can feel it in very different ways towards very different people for any number of reasons. It isn’t planned for and sometimes completely unexpected. But if you’re open and not afraid to let another person in, you can experience deep emotions that you didn’t know where there. The problem is that so many people are afraid of love. They’re afraid of putting themselves on the line, risking getting hurt, and a lot of times they’re even afraid of being loved.
Feeling love from someone else is such a powerful thing, that we put ourselves behind these big protective shields to keep others away. If we feel like someone cares about us too much, or more than we’re ready to accept from them, we back away. Or even if we want that feeling, we make up reasons why that person shouldn’t feel the way they do or why it doesn’t make sense. But really, we’re just protecting ourselves from the emptiness we’ll feel if and when that love is suddenly gone.
I’ve dared to love people openly and with reckless abandon. In a few circumstances, that love was either not understood or appreciated or returned, or some combination of the three. And you know what? That’s fine. In my opinion, because I love the person that you are, it does not necessarily mean that I want to be your girlfriend or spend every waking moment with you or have you be “mine”. If I’m attracted to who you are and I enjoy spending time with you, then it just makes sense that i’ll want to spend more time with you and get to know you more. If that time spent together or those feelings end up leading us to a bedroom, then that’s great! But it doesn’t always have to, and I’m okay with that. And if it does end up that way but we don’t click on an intimate level, I’m perfectly okay with taking that back out of the equation. I have known absolutely zero people who are the same way. And that’s okay, too.
Someone who has become very important in my life has no clue what to do with the love I have for him. He won’t admit it, but it freaks him out. He doesn’t understand why he’s so important to me or that I have a strong love for him, without needing to sleep with him or have any kind of romantic overtones to our interactions. He’s my friend, and I love him, and I want him in my life. As much as fucking possible. Simple as that.
We’ve had very long conversations. Some of my favorite conversations, in fact. In one that centered around particularly angsty feelings I won’t get into (on both our parts), I had this to say:
“Look. We’re almost all deer that have wandered into barbed wire. We’re hurt, and we’re scared, and we’re stuck.
It’s almost impossible to get out of that alone.
And if we’ve been stuck there long enough, we fear the person coming our way to help, so we shrink away.
But there are always those people who will try anyway. And they might get cut up and a little bit stuck in the effort.
But I have to believe there is a safe way out of all that mess.
I have to.
I guess I’m just tired of being the deer.
And if you’re the deer, I’d want to try to be your person.”
I was pretty fired up at the time, but the more I re-read it, the more I love it. Despite having used the same word three times, and despite wanting to edit it and put it back together in a prettier form. I love what I had to say and how I felt when I said it. I love that I still believe it.
We’re not alone here. I’m one of the most independent people I know, but even I can admit that we can’t do it all, all by ourselves. Sometimes we just need a little bit of help. We need friends. And we need love. Don’t be afraid to love. Being vulnerable can be really scary, but give it a try. Take risks. Just for the sake of taking them, not for the expectation of some kind of grand reward in the end. Know that there are going to be plenty of times that you’ll get let down. More often than not, you’ll feel disappointed by something. But think about how amazing it’ll be on that one day, just once, where you suddenly feel open and understood, accepted and validated. Trust me, it’s going to be the best feeling in the world. Go get it.