Stella’s State of the Union

“I don’t want a boyfriend right now.” I said this with a lot of conviction to myself, in the mirror, because well, I don’t.

I’m just getting out of a marriage, one that I was intensely unhappy in (now that I can let myself actually admit that), and it’s been a long time since I’ve been on the dating scene.  When we first started dating, my ex actually had this phone….

Or something pretty damn close to it.

Dating was never easy for me.  I’ve struggled with low self-esteem for most of my life so it’s not a surprise that I would struggle with dating.  All the uncertainty and trying to figure out where you stand… I really wasn’t good with that.  I’d get nervous.  I’d second-guess myself.  I’d doubt myself.  So instead, I just stuck to what I was good at… I was the friend.

I guess it’s only natural that I would fall in love with a  friend… or  that I would force him into falling in love with me (which is how I used to feel sometimes).  After being friends for a couple of years, we started dating (I wore him down with my awesomeness) …then got married and then… it fell apart.

So here I am, on the other side, jumping back into a world that I know I didn’t navigate all that well the first time…. older, wiser, hotter and with a little more self-esteem.  My questions are many:

What do I really want in a relationship? Who do I want to be with? Who am I in a relationship with a partner?  I don’t have to force or make or manage anyone else?  How do I do that? What do I wear?

So bring on the websites, the set ups, the random dudes in bars and your single friends…. I’m dating.

Because how else am I going to figure this out if I’m not out there?

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