This has to end.
This night with Sporto and DramaK resulted in me coming to 2 very important conclusions:
1) I can not be involved in the bizarre triangle of crazy with these two.
2) I have to end this and it has to be tonight.
So let’s be clear….I’m not his girlfriend. We aren’t in a relationship. I had stated on numerous occasions that I wasn’t looking for a relationship right now… he knew my situation from the beginning. He liked me. A lot. I knew it. He told me. I hung out with him because he asked, seemed harmless enough and as my Dating Oracle had told me, “It’s good practice.” And if I’m being truly honest, the attention felt good.
So as we pulled up to his apartment (after an awkward ride home), I tried talking to him about it.Which in itself was awkward for me, I’ve never been in this position before. I explained all this to him, again,and in the course of the 30 minute conversation he asked me, about 10 times, “Do you like me? Cause that’s all that really matters….do you like me?” and I answered, every time “Yes, I like you..but not as much as you like me”.
He’d get quiet and contemplative, then he’d tell me that I don’t make it feel like I like him…. and I… I mean, it just seemed so weak and pathetic (And yes, he had been drinking all day as well…but still a drunk,whiny dude is not sexy) coming out of his mouth that I was instantly unattracted to him. And then… I had deja vu.
This was a mirror of me. I’ve had this conversation. I’ve been in Sporto’s shoes. And I’m 1000% percent sure I felt weak and pathetic as that person having that conversation but I did it anyway. So I tried to respond and act the way I wanted that other dude to act toward me. I answered his questions. Validated his feelings. Stayed honest and direct.
And that’s when it dawned on me…..I am going to hurt him…seriously hurt him if I continue to see him. He likes me too much for the way I want this to go and it’s not fair to him. I know this situation is not fair to him, nor is it what he wants and I know he’s never going to actually be ok with it. I know, because of his feelings for me, that he’ll swallow all of that and still hang out with me, taking what I give him… and it seems so evil of me to do that. I don’t want to do that. I don’t want to be “that guy” that takes advantage of those feelings and hurts someone when I know I can stop it.
I want to say this again, I made myself pretty clear about what I want or don’t want in all of this right now. His response, “Sometimes I feel like you just want to make out with me”… let’s be clear dude.. if I just want to make out with someone, I’m not calling you with all your feelings… I can just make out with anyone I want. I’m a girl. I’m attractive. I can go to a bar and do that with whoever… I wouldn’t call the guy with all the feelings..trust me. But I did like hanging out with you, until tonight, you know when my conscious caught up with me.
Again, I tried to be honest. I told him I didn’t want to hurt him…and that if it hurts him, we shouldn’t see each other. He flipped. “I’m going to be hurt either way” he yelled. I answered, “If that’s what you think… you shouldn’t be in this” …and there was that damn mirror again.
He says that he knew what he was getting into, he was prepared to be patient and that he just needed me to know/hear from him where he was coming from. He knew this and was ok with it.
So I agreed to give it another chance and hung out with him on Sunday anyway. We had fun. It was casual. It was nice but I’m waiting for the shoe to drop again…. like I’m dying this slow death. And I’m pretty sure that I need to just completely cut the ties but I’m having a hard time figuring out how best to do this.
Without hurting him. Or until reality catches up with me.