Guest Post: One-Night Stands, the Rules

Upon hearing of our email dialogue, our good friend Collette decided to weigh in….

Hi everyone, Collette (wondering who I am?  Meet me in the Meet Our Friends section!) here… I’m loving the chatter and asked if I could add in some of my own thoughts…

 

Here’s the thing:  I’ve been in “guy mode” when it comes to the O.N.S. for many years–since college?  But it took me a decent chunk of time to figure out the right way to go about it.   I wouldn’t say I’ve perfected it, but I’ve definitely learned from enough rookie mistakes to know how to go about it if that’s what I want to do.

The Rules:

BEFORE YOU LEAVE THE HOUSE:

  • Make the decision before you go out that you’re taking someone home.  Once you’ve made this decision, it gives you the freedom to do the important things.  Like hiding your piles of laundry and locking up your valuables.  Let’s face it, you may be willing to bring random guy A home with you, but a quick sweep of your boudoir while you’re in the bathroom could reveal some personal details you just aren’t into sharing (like your collection of Lisa Frank sticker books you’ve been hanging onto since the 90s). And you definitely don’t want him walking out the door in the morning with your iphone or expensive jewelry in his pocket.

WHILE YOU’RE OUT:

  • Congratulations, you’re going to feast upon some sexy man meat this evening.  I don’t care if it’s your first time making this decision or your 50th.  DO NOT GET DRUNK.  When you get sloppy and lose control it might be easier to make poor decisions that end up being fun, but you can (and probably will) also make poor decisions that end up scary (read:  ceiling fright, photos of a questionable nature, how did my car get here?, etc.).
  • Pace yourself.  If you’re lucky enough to have picked a spot for your prowling that happens to be overrun with prospects, don’t go crazy like a kid in a candy store.  Scope out the scenery, talk to a few people, check out the ring fingers.  Minimize drama.  You are a single, attractive, confident women who is DTF.  There’s really no scenario in which you can’t take home the single guy of your choice.  Know that.  Just make sure he’s single.  There should be a couple solid hours of floating around before you make your decision.  Use them wisely.

YOU’VE CHOSEN YOUR TARGET:

  • Flirt all you want.  It’s your show now.  But let’s be honest with each other.  If you know too much (last name, where he works, where he went to school, what sports league he plays in, etc.) you know you’re going to Facebook him later.  You will.  And when Facebook searches come up fruitless, you’re going to Google.  Then hit up LinkedIn.  It’s a sick cycle.  Avoid it.  Your name is Joe?  That’s great.  You live somewhere in America, good for you.  Your job is blah blah blah…okay just shut up and let me envision you with your shirt off.
  • The Big Move (patent pending):  You’re going to get tired of the chit-chat or you’re going to start learning too many details (see above) or you’re going to start to get too many beers/drinks into the evening (see above, above).  When you break up the conversation to indicate that you should really get going, it’s getting late, etc.,  he’s either going to ask to call you or you’re going to ask to call him.  Either way, a number is getting exchanged.  Here’s your scenario:

Girl:  Wow, I’ve got a big day tomorrow.  Looks like the time got away from me while I was talking with you.  I should get going.
Guy:  Aww, already?  That’s a shame.  Maybe I can call you later?
Girl:  Sure, what’s your number?  I’ll text you and you’ll have mine.
Guy: xxx-xxx-xxxx
Girl (texting):  Hey, it’s (insert name or fake name here).  Come home with me. (Or other obvious, salacious, direct, but not-too-skanky text.)

  • *99.9% of the time he will come home with you.  The ones that come up with some reason not to have something they’re hiding (fiance, lives in parent’s basement with assortment of hair dolls, small penis).  If he doesn’t go for it, tell him it’s his loss and move on.  Seriously.  Walk away.

DO THE DEED.

  • Be smart here.  Your goal is sex, not breeding humans or diseases.

MORNING AFTER:

  • Coffee is fine, try not to drink it together at your table.  He can sip his while he’s getting ready to go.  You can drink yours while you’re busying yourself with other things.  Skip breakfast.  Definitely don’t go out to breakfast.  If he’s taking his time putting his clothes back on and you happen to notice what a fucking win you just scored, and it seems pretty obvious he’s good for another go, feel free to take advantage.  Especially considering that this is the only time it’s okay to sleep with a O.N.S. a second time.
  • He’s out the door.  Do your happy dance all you want.  But make sure you DELETE him from your phone.  Get all the romantic ideas out of your head about how he’s the perfect guy and it’s kismet and you’re going to run off together and take over the world.  While you’re at it, get all the dirty ideas out of your head as well about how you’re only going to call each other after 11pm any given night.  It’s too easy to obsess over what things mean or what might be when you have access to this guy.  Control yourself.  Hit delete.
  • If he wants to see you again, he’ll still have your info and you can decide later what you want to do with that.  For now, be thankful that you had a wonderful evening that was all on your terms.

This is how men have operated forever.  Enjoy the feeling for once!

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