I WANT to be dateless on New Year’s Eve

And here are my top ten reasons why…

10. I don’t want to deal with a puppy dog following me around all nigh OR be a puppy dog following anyone else.

9. My party clothes are too binding.

8. I want to  be concentrating on the good changes for 2013…not stressing about who I am or aren’t with on the last night of 2012.

7. I’ve been in serious hibernation mode, and nothing sounds better than my nice warm bed.

6.  I hate the crowds and all the NYE hype. (Sigh, does this mean I’m old?)

5. Most of my closest friends are in family mode and I don’t feel like being an extra wheel.

4. My friends who are not in family mode aren’t doing anything that I actually want to do.

3. I’m sick of doing my hair and makeup.

2. I take New Years very seriously in that it’s the closing of one year.. and where I am when the clock strikes midnight is pretty important to me…I can’t have some random dude be a part of that this year.

1. This is a chance for me to continue to celebrate me.. and what better way to do that than on my own.

The Runaway Date

Game Boy stared at me, very seriously, from across the table.

He’s done this before… just very intently looked at me for a length of time and it’s made me uncomforable. EVERY.SINGLE.TIME.  I couldn’t place my finger on why it was making me uncomforable… until tonight…

We were talking about something and right before he went into the intense stare he said, “That just makes you even more awesome…”  and then the stare.

I was watching him fall in love with me, I realized it and it smacked me in the face… hard.  And I’m not saying this because I conceitedly think that all guys fall in love with me.. I’m saying it because I could literally see it in his face.  So I got uncomfortable. And nervous.  And then I bit my lip, nervously laughed and said, “What are you staring at?” He got nervous and answered, “I’m just… uhh… I …. I’m admiring you. You’re gorgeous.”  and I felt awkward. I replied, “Thank you.” and then made one of my uncomfortable awkward faces and tried to change the subject.

I felt terrified.  I wanted to run.

Am I not ready for a relationship?  Or is it just him that I’m not really that into?

I’m starting to panic.  Is it the possibility of a relationship or is it just him? Either way.. this just doesn’t feel right.

 

The Ghosts of Relationships Past

I’m pretty sure we all hold on to traces of our old relationships, at least I know that I do.

My most significant relationship, to date, was my marriage.  We got together at a time where I felt really bad about myself. He was a catalyst in me doing something about that and for that, I can’t thank him enough.  During our relationship, I lost a lot of weight, figured out what I really wanted to be in life and started to really come into my own- emotionally, cognitively, and physically.

… all that being said, there are things that still haunt me in one way or the other:

I’m not really that funny, cause he told me I wasn’t.

I can’t wear heels… for no other reason except, “We aren’t “Nicole Kidman and Tom Cruise”, so I convinced myself that I couldn’t walk in them and that they would kill my feet.

I go to silence when I’m angry…. cause he fought back a lot quicker than I could, he was much quicker verbally and I could never process what I wanted to say fast enough.

I have to work hard and make someone like me….

Yeah, that last one… a doozy.  I am immediately suspicious if a guy shows me he like me too fast. I think there is something very disingenuine about it.  If you make it too easy for me… I feel like I don’t deserve it. If you chase me, I’m uncomfortable…. really uncomfortable. Somewhere along the line, and I do know exactly how…. I got the idea that I had to work for someone to like me. I had to prove that I was worthy. I had to put a lot of effort in for the relationship to work. How fucked up is that?

I was in a relationship with someone who never had to do anything to take care of me… and he never did. I had done all of the work… ALL OF THE TIME.  He was never quick with his affections or compliments.. so I distrust a lot of them now.  He never went out of his way to plan things for me or made a huge effort to make me feel special so I mistrust those deeds now.

I literally have to tell myself, out loud sometimes, that I am a catch and of course guys would fall in love with me… it’s the only way I can reassure that inner doubting Stella who sometimes still feels like a failure and still sometimes feels unworthy.   

I have friends, God love them, who will remind me that I do deserve someone planning an amazing trip to Miami, asking me out, staring at me in admiration… and I’m working on that.

I’m practicing accepting compliments and not freaking out when someone stares at my for 5 mins just because he wants to “admire me” or reaches for my hand first when we walk cause this is a ghost that I want to exterminate as soon as possible. 

 

Guest Post: How to: The Non-Relationship

A completely unsolicited guide to a non-relationship from your favorite guest poster, Colette.

The Non-Relationship is a glorious thing that few people ever get the opportunity to fully enjoy. If you’re single and the window of opportunity for a non-relationship comes up, you owe it to yourself to jump right through. So what the hell *is* a non-relationship? It may be hard to define for some, but it can be identified by the following key points:
1. You have great sex
Wait. That’s the only point of a non-relationship.

But how do I go about it? What if I mess it up? What if he likes me more than I like him? What if I start to have feelings for him? Should he spend the night? Should we hang out? What about…?

Relax! Take a breather and think about your situation before you get in your own way. If you’re wondering about enacting the non-relationship, you’ve probably already got someone in mind. Congratulations! Let’s assess. You met someone who is attracted to you and vice versa. Excellent. There is a very real possibility that you’re going to hook up soon. And possibly often. Congrats again, you sexy beast. Do you care what he does for a living? Do you care if your friends would like him? Do you imagine doodling your first name with his last name after it in the margin of your spiral notebook? If the answer to any of these questions was “yes”, then he’s probably not non-relationship material and you’re not ready for it anyway. But if you got to that last question and suddenly realized you don’t even know his last name (but you do know that you’ve imagined him naked at least a handful of times), then you’re well on your way!

In my experience, when two people are at a stage in their lives where they are both looking to have great sex with zero commitment and zero strings, something magical happens. Each person knows exactly where he/she stands without having to have a real discussion about it. And that’s probably because the relationship these two people have already established is not too deep. In fact, there aren’t a ton of discussions in general, so why have one about feelings? If this is your first attempt at a non-relationship and you just don’t feel comfortable without at least letting your thoughts be known, then go ahead and throw it out there. If he’s up for it, then you just became a very lucky woman.

Let’s again take a minute to assess. You’re attracted to this guy. You want to sleep with him. That’s it. If you’re honest with yourself and that’s your only real expectation, then there’s no better time than the present.

Broaching the subject:
Text him to see if he has any plans tonight. Yes, text. I would suggest making this a day when you’re not working the next. If you’re slightly more confident and don’t mind being forward, ask him if he has any plans early tomorrow. 😉

Get together for drinks. Sit at the bar, not a table.

Chit chat as much as you want until your drinks get there. If you can’t or don’t bring up what you want to say by the time either of you are done your first drinks, then you’re probably not ready for a non-relationship with this guy.

Tell him what your plans are for him. Example:

So Jason, here’s the thing: I’m attracted to you. And I’m pretty sure that feeling is mutual. I don’t know how you feel, but I am really not interested in a relationship. I like the vibe we have. I think we could have a lot of fun together.

That’s it. That’s all you need to say.

If he’s not on the same page, don’t worry about it! If this if your first time being completely honest with someone this way, it might feel very strange to get rejected. Because let’s face it, this is a rejection. But who cares? You didn’t die. You set out with a goal in mind and you did what you wanted to do. In the long run, if he’s not interested in hooking up right now, for whatever reason, then saying “no thanks” is saving you a big hassle later.

If he agrees with you, you’re in business. The only other question should be, “Your place, or mine?” Pay the tab. Get the hell out of there and have fun, you goddess of everything fierce and awesome. You deserve it.

What happens next is all up to you two. I hope you have a fabulously naughty time. Here’s just a bit more insight from my own experience. Don’t think of this as a rule book, because there really aren’t any rules. This is just the formula that has been successful for me.
Stick with text messages. And only for the express purpose of making plans to get together. A sext here or there is great because it keeps you fired up. I was lucky enough to not have to initiate the sexts, so I simply played along.
Don’t get caught up in the details. If after a few hookups, you still really don’t want a relationship with this guy (nor he, you), try not to upset the balance. His personal shit is really not relevant to you. As soon as you start talking about friends, family, work, you fall into the “stress unloading” talks that become mainstays in real relationships. Ugh. Avoid. The only stress you need to unload with this guy can be taken care of in the bedroom. Or the kitchen. Or the car. Whatever.
Stay honest. With yourself. With him. If you get the sense one of your feelings has changed, do a quick reality check.
Is it you? Do you suddenly want Jason to be “Jason, my boyfriend” instead of “Jason, my non-relationship?” Cut ties. You don’t want to mess up a good thing by having a relationship talk when you’re the one who wanted a non-relationship to begin with. If you tell him you’re calling a time-out on the non-relationship and he agrees, but then a few days go by and he calls (breaking the text custom) and say’s he can’t stop thinking about you and needs you in his life and not just in his bed, then you’ve just found out you’re playing a starring role in a romantic comedy. Chances are, this isn’t going to happen. As much as you want him to reciprocate your feelings, if there’s no follow up after you decide to go on hiatus, then he wasn’t feeling the same things you were. Or he wasn’t ready to admit them if he had them. His loss.
Is it him? Does Jason suddenly start texting just to say hi? Does he send you a friend request on facebook? Is he asking you out on dinner dates instead of coming over for a midnight snack? Is there a greater proportion of talk before having sex any given day/night than after? Has he just come right out and said that he’s into you more? These are pretty good indicators that the non-relationship status is shifting. Again, honesty is your best friend here. Think about what you wanted when you started and what you want now. Then act.
-Have a feelings-free out. Again, in my experience, this was pretty easy. I won’t tell you how to do it, figure that out what works for you both. In my case, I was lucky enough to “take a raincheck” or “tap out for a while”. Both of which I texted in response to requests to get together. One time I even said admitted that I started seeing someone else. We’re all grown ups here. There were no hurt feelings.

I wish you all the best in your non-relationship endeavors. Have fun!

*Note: avoid any attempts at a non-relationship structure with someone you are already friends with or see on a regular basis. That’s a recipe for disaster. And a whole other topic entirely.

On a Wednesday in a baaaaaar….

Game Guy and I went out the other night.  We were supposed to meet up on a Wednesday night (I wonder if I’m starting to subconsciously choose this day because of that damn Taylor Swift song?) and instead of just the two of us, it turned into a double date with our friends who also met at the same game.

We played some of the local bar games, including shuffle board which he is a master at.. seriously a master.  I had to ask him if he was just letting me play well.  His response, “I don’t want to answer that”.

The music was pumping with all of my old favorites from the late 80’s/90’s…boy bands, rap groups.  Awesome. A debate was sparked about Step by Step, the New Kids on the Block song.  “What year did this come out?” my friend asked.  We all made guesses and Game Guy pulled out his phone.  “1986, ” he said, “I was just born.”

Yikes…. can I date a 27-year old?

I mean, I know age is just a number but he’s definitely younger than me… less than 10 years, but still.   How young is too young to be out of your dating age range? **

** On a side note, he started to broach my age and then pulled it back instantly, realizing it was rude.  I assured him I didn’t care and then asked how old he thought I was.  He thought I was 26… bless his heart.  I gave him the real answer and he never flinched… guess age doesn’t matter than much to the males.

You mean, I can do this IRL?

Folks, I have an announcement… you actually can still meet people IN REAL LIFE!

This past weekend I went to a sporting event and while tailgating, met a fine young fellow… he came over here without a second to lose (points if you can name that song!) and gave me pointers on how to play cornhole. It was legitimately my first time tossing the bean bags (apparently some people think there is skill involved?) and this young man wanted to help me out.

Cue the music…. except not.

I had no idea anything except friendly conversation was happening until after the game when my friend’s friend told my friend that this guy was into me and wanted to hang out with us after the game.  Then she texted him to tell him where we were.  He never made it back in time.  I told her she could give him my number if he asked.  He asked. She gave.  He made contact. **

We’re getting together this week. I’ll let you know how it goes… here’s the funny part though. I don’t know much about him.  Some basic things exchanged at the game , most of which I don’t remember and I don’t have a profile to go remind me.  I don’t know how old he is (how do you bring that up in real life conversation?) or what his hobbies are or what he’s looking for in a relationhip partner.  EEKKKKK!!!

It’s like I’m going into this blind.. it’s like… oh wait, it’s like every other damn date, just minus the bio.  🙂

**purposely written, middle-school style since, in retrospect, that’s how it kinda seems.

What to wear when you want him to…

My text:  Question time… I want him to 1.  Not be able to take his eyes off of me and 2. Wish he was fucking me all night… What do I wear?

My Dating Guru’s response:

Heels, skinny jeans or something to accent your legs (they’re my favorite feature), shirt with a minor plunge to show off the girls.

Flaunt but leave room for the imagination.

Thong or lace panties that…if they ride up a bit are visually appealing.  You want his eyes and mind thinking about the sweetness under those clothes.

Verdict: I got exactly what I wanted AND came to a very important conclusion..

While the clothes speak volumes.. I’m pretty sure the sexiest thing I was wearing that day was confidence.

So how about you? What do you wear when you want to make a “Come Fuck Me” impression?

Dating Roulette

Online dating is like playing roulette…..

You only slightly understand the game (I say slightly understand because I may or may not have been taught by an 80 year old man in Vegas at 3 o’clock in the morning…another story, another time) but… anyway, you know you have to pick a number, pick a color and throw some chips on the table before the ball settles or the dealer tells you all bets are final.

So you make a choice and watch the ball.

You get anxious. You’re probably saying “Come on __ (insert number/color/space here)”.  And hopefully you’re doing it in your head, cause out loud would just be embarrassing   You might be ringing your hands. Stroking a lucky talisman or praying to the God of your choice.

You know it’s a long shot that it’s going to work out, but you’re hopeful.  Maybe your choice will come up. Maybe you will be a winner.

And then the ball lands…

Did you win?

Most often than not, you didn’t.

Online dating is like this.  You get “matches”.  You can email them, “wink” at them… you can scroll through and pick and choose who you’re interested in.

If you’re like me, you’re probably sitting back and letting dudes know you’re interested but not going out of your way to email anyone first (call this a scar from my marriage if you will but this is how I’m operating right now). I respond to some of the winks, some of the emails and throw my bet out on the table.  Maybe this could be a winner?  Who knows?

I make choices about who I want to spend some time getting to know and go from there. The wheel of time spins.

Sometimes I put more effort in then others. I make some prayers, pull out my lucky outfit…. and wait to see where the ball is going to drop.

Sometimes the ball settles close to my number… a promising email or 2 and then silence (on one of our ends), a meet up date- no chemistry-over.  And sometimes, I’m watching the wheel get so close to my number, starting to feel excited and hopeful about a situation only to watch as the ball tips into the other slot.   And then bam, it’s over.

And you don’t always understand it…it’s just this giant game of chance after all…. but you continue to throw out your bets and hope for a winner.