The Ghosts of Relationships Past

I’m pretty sure we all hold on to traces of our old relationships, at least I know that I do.

My most significant relationship, to date, was my marriage.  We got together at a time where I felt really bad about myself. He was a catalyst in me doing something about that and for that, I can’t thank him enough.  During our relationship, I lost a lot of weight, figured out what I really wanted to be in life and started to really come into my own- emotionally, cognitively, and physically.

… all that being said, there are things that still haunt me in one way or the other:

I’m not really that funny, cause he told me I wasn’t.

I can’t wear heels… for no other reason except, “We aren’t “Nicole Kidman and Tom Cruise”, so I convinced myself that I couldn’t walk in them and that they would kill my feet.

I go to silence when I’m angry…. cause he fought back a lot quicker than I could, he was much quicker verbally and I could never process what I wanted to say fast enough.

I have to work hard and make someone like me….

Yeah, that last one… a doozy.  I am immediately suspicious if a guy shows me he like me too fast. I think there is something very disingenuine about it.  If you make it too easy for me… I feel like I don’t deserve it. If you chase me, I’m uncomfortable…. really uncomfortable. Somewhere along the line, and I do know exactly how…. I got the idea that I had to work for someone to like me. I had to prove that I was worthy. I had to put a lot of effort in for the relationship to work. How fucked up is that?

I was in a relationship with someone who never had to do anything to take care of me… and he never did. I had done all of the work… ALL OF THE TIME.  He was never quick with his affections or compliments.. so I distrust a lot of them now.  He never went out of his way to plan things for me or made a huge effort to make me feel special so I mistrust those deeds now.

I literally have to tell myself, out loud sometimes, that I am a catch and of course guys would fall in love with me… it’s the only way I can reassure that inner doubting Stella who sometimes still feels like a failure and still sometimes feels unworthy.   

I have friends, God love them, who will remind me that I do deserve someone planning an amazing trip to Miami, asking me out, staring at me in admiration… and I’m working on that.

I’m practicing accepting compliments and not freaking out when someone stares at my for 5 mins just because he wants to “admire me” or reaches for my hand first when we walk cause this is a ghost that I want to exterminate as soon as possible. 

 

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