Tonight’s Date look?

I interupt my normal schedule of posts to bring you this important announcement….

Tonight I’m going on a date dressed like this:

2010 0503 Lululemon Define Jacket Angel Blue

Girl on the left. With grey top.

Movie date. At his place.  He told me he wasn’t getting fancy and would probaly wear his pj pants.  I laughed and said.. cool, I’m not dressing up then either.  So I’m looking like my cute, sporty self.  This bodes well for us all if he’s into this look, as it’s very much the normal me.  If not, well…. no big loss.

Sidenote— I am wearing my Lululemon pants.. they make my ass look good.

 

 

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To All of Us that Have Been There…

Thanks to Facebook, I was exposed to a very well-written article just about a month ago.

Any HUMAN, and yes, this means you!, needs to read this article.

I challenge any woman to not be able to find herself in this post and I challenge every man to think a little bit differently about how you treat women in general.

A Letter to the Guy Who Harrassed Me Outside the Bar

Email Chatter: Who Pays For Dates?

The geniuses behind “So, It Was Nice to Meet You” spent a work day discussing the finer points of gender roles in paying or dates.  Hands down winner of the debate: Our Readers.  Loser: Our Employers.

Stella:

Dating.. who pays?  First date different than later dates?

Delilah:

I’d rather split things.  Whether it’s actually splitting the bill or he gets dinner, I get the movie.  And I’ve put quite a bit of thought into this stance.
1- Feminism is a two way street.  If I insist on arguing for things like equal pay for equal work, sharing household chores between the genders, why should he still pay my way and open my doors?  I can’t demand to have quality when it suits me and ‘tradition’ when I get something out of it.
2-Being a young woman in the techy business world is hard. They’re much quicker to give clients, meetings, and benefits to dudes who rank below me and are not half as good at this job as I am.  There are still men who will walk into a business meeting, shake all the men’s hands and pass right over me.  I fight all week to be taken seriously, treated equally and suddenly on friday night I should bat my eyes and ask some man to buy me a salmon fillet?
3- I’m dating guys in their mid-20’s, who are usually in comparable financial situations as I am.  Why should it be their responsibility to foot the bill?
4- I want a guy who’s in my life as a companion and partner, not a provider.  I’m my own provider.
I’m reminded of an episode of How I Met Your Mother, where Ted tells Robin she was hard to date because she doesn’t need a man.  Bill comes “I got this”.  Robber’s breaking in “I got this”, etc.  I think that’s a lot like where I am in life, and I’m sure there’s a lot of dudes put off by it.  But what am I supposed to do, play helpless?  Fake a fainting spell?  Pretend to be confused by my own 401(k) plan?  I HATE THOSE GIRLS.

Stella:

I’m a feminist… so I have no problem paying/splitting checks.. that being said:
1)First date- dude pays. I just think that’s the way it should be. I think it’s the gentlemanly thing to do. Old school from a dad who NEVER to this day, let’s me pay for anything unless I make a big deal out of it and even then, he sometimes just tells me to shut the f-up.
2) A date that he plans/picks out– he pays.  I’ll offer, but I don’t think he should accept.. because…
3) A date that I plan– I pay.  If I planned a date, I expect to pay for both of us.. if he offers, I might let him.. if he makes a big deal out of it.
Other thoughts that go along with this…
a)  I like when a guy wants to take care of me.  Probably residual from my marriage, but I come from a place where I was always taking care of someone..paying/organizing/planning…so when a guy does those things for me.. I appreciate it and I’m looking for that on dates.  I need someone who can take care of himself and me because I know I can take care of myself and him (if need be).
b) I do think relationships are 2 way streets and one person shouldn’t shoulder all the responsibility monetarily or otherwise. Relationships are much different than dating.
c) That episode of HIMYM is dead on though…. you don’t NEED someone to do all those things but everyone likes to feel NEEDED/WANTED– Ted has a point.  Relationships are about give and take. Ted wanted to give a lot of stuff.. Robin didn’t want to take any of it.  This is not me advocating for faking dumb but it is me saying that you have to be able to be vulnerable and let a dude feel like a dude (they’re predispositioned to want to take care of us in a manly– I pay, I strong, I business) kinda way.  And there’s nothing wrong with letting yourself  “be a girl” in those first few date situations in those stereotypical smile, let him open doors, let him pay.

I keep coming back to the… I don’t NEED you to but it’s nice.  It’s kind.  It’s chivalrous and sweet.

Delilah:

I don’t think being a feminist jives with  any statement of what “men should do” or “what women should do”. The point of feminism is that those characteristics (or any) should not be gender specific. It is not different to say “women shouldn’t pay” than it is to say “women shouldn’t be CEO/president/construction workers”. there is no ‘should’ in feminism. You can’t have the pros of being in the 1950s and the pros of being a “liberated” woman. Not fair. Not logical.

And regarding “letting him provide” it’s only because society has programmed men to be emasculated by losing power. Well guess what- I feel just as bad by losing power too. Why does he get protected from that and I’m not?

I just want it to be even and equal, and that means I can’t participate selectively in equality.
For the record, whatever anyone wants from a relationship is fine. My point isn’t that it’s in any way wrong for someone to want a more ‘traditional’ set up, or to even want to be a housewife, or to want to never get married. But it’s def not feminist. And personally I can’t make it work for me. (Because for all possible evidence, I’m mostly a dude.)

Stella:

You just called yourself a dude and made me laugh out loud…you’re not a dude.. you’re a feminist.

If there is no should… then there is no should not.  I don’t think women shouldn’t pay.  I personally have my thoughts about that and I want when I’m dating someone.  I think feminism is believe that women are equal and are entitlted ot equal rights/opportunities/pay…etc. I am equal to a man and  I think it’s nice when those things happen.

BUT when it comes to relationships… things are different. If you want to be equal in a relationship you need to communicate what equal or fair means to you.. becuase I truly think those things mean different things based on the people in the scenario.  If you make 100,000 a year and you’re dating a man who makes 50,000 a year.. is it fair and equal that you both split the housing expenses in half?  What happens when you want to go to Costa Rica for the weekend and he can’t afford it? Do you pay for him because you can?  What if the roles are reversed? Do you accept him paying for the trip because he can and wants to?
“Letting him provide” is a strong phrase. Gender roles are gender roles… some people subscribe to the traditional gender roles…some don’t.. I’m pretty sure that was an Eharm questions.. wasn’t it? The issue with gender roles, and why they will never go away, is that women are the only ones that can have babies.  We are the only ones that can breast feed AND we have a certain emotional stability/strength to nuture that  most men just don’t have. And becasue that won’t change.. those roles will be there.
I don’t need or want a man to provide for me.  But in a relationship–I need to know that he can if need be. Just like he should need to know that I can if need be.

Delilah:

Line up my goals, attitudes, ambition, work, behavior with the historical views of the sexes and I’m totally a man!

If one person pays for something, or pays more often because they make 2x as much…fair . And you’re paying because of your finances.  When he pays, purely because he has a penis… that is not a good reason for me.

Proving you could take care of each other, financially or otherwise, is also gender agnostic. If you think that goes both ways for you and a bf, that’s not an argument for the man to pay-first date or otherwise. That’s an argument for half and half.
And I also disagree with “men can’t nurture”. It’s equal to saying “women can’t drive”. I believe we are all socialized to follow that. Men don’t share feelings, men don’t play with dolls. Because..they were taught that. And it won’t change until we challenge that, teach our children better, MODEL a better situation for our children.

That said- I don’t currently plan to have kids. So your birthing argument doesn’t apply to me.

Stella:

Just because you don’t want to have kids doesn’t change the biological fact that you can.. and men can’t.  Any man you date will still have that knowledge whether or not you choose to have children.  Because society will always know/have that difference.

A man being nurturing and a woman driving are 2 completely different topics.  One is learned (driving), and I would argue that nurturing isn’t fully learned…I do think emotional/physically/cognitively (the way we think) is differnt between men and women. The hormones racing through our bodies, studies on the brain…I feel like there have been enough studies done on this (biological, neurological and psychological) to back this up by now. You can have the skills to nurture but not have the inner–I can’t think of the right word for it– to make you that way perosonablity wise.  All that being said, I still said most men….I don’t think men can’t do that…but many don’t.
Well friends, it looks like we’ll have to agree to disagree on this one.  Anyone else want to weigh on on the way they think dating and $ should be handled?

And who wants to be Kim Kardashian?!?!?!

 

“Every girl is expected to have caucasian blue eyes, full Spanish lips, a classic button nose, hairless Asian skin with a California tan, a Jamaican dance hall ass, long Swedish legs, small Japanese feet, the abs of a lesbian gym owner, the hips of a nine-year-old boy, the arms of Michelle Obama and doll tits.

The person closest to actually achieving this look is Kim Kardashian, who, as we know, was made by Russian scientists to sabotage our athletes. Everyone else is struggling.”- Tina Fey

 

In retrospect, I’m pretty damn hot.  Thanks Tina, I can always count on you.

 

Breaking Guy Code

Ladies, I’m about to give you some knowledge that has recently been imparted on my by one of my most favorite men in the entire world.

Never forget the power of Pussy….men everywhere bow to it.  In selling out men everywhere, you have what we want. Ultimately you are in control. Own it.

I think some women get this… others, like me, we don’t.  But tonight, I took that advice and owned it.  And I’m determined to own every single date from here on out. 🙂

Because it’s not all free dinners and movies

Dating is hard.

I’m saying this like you DON’T know it, but clearly if you’re here, you KNOW it’s hard.

Dating. The opposite sex.  WTF. Seriously?!?

Don’t think I haven’t contemplated just giving up men in general and becoming a lesbian (I already have a female friend picked out that I would marry in a heartbeat (HI Sweetie!!)  as long as  I could still have sex with men on the side!)..if only it was a choice and could be that simple!

Also, as my lesbian and gay friends have pointed out.. “Dating is just as ridiculous for us! You only think it’s easier cause it’s all the same hormones and you think we understand each other better… we don’t!”.

Fair enough.

So why many of my married and matched up  friends comment wistfully on my FourSquare checkins (one of my safety measures on dating!) and Facebook updates….

I’m silently cursing the fact that I have to do my hair and makeup on a Wednesday night (again!), dreading the “What do you do? Why are you single?” questions and trying to mentally go through the menu so I can make graceful and quick exits if need be.

I run into scheduling conflicts and time crunches.  Fitting dates in with the life I’ve created for myself is hard sometimes. 

I’m worrying about working out to not only fulfill my own health and fitness goals but because I know I’m going to have to be seen naked for the first time by a new man (assuming we get to that point).  Also.. eating out a lot means I have less control over the food I’m eating so I need the calories being burned. 

I’m trying to keep dudes straight.  Was this the military guy with 3 sisters or is this the guy who loves the Chicago Bears and plays poker with his buddies on Tuesdays? Did I already ask him these questions?

I’m worried that he won’t be attracted to me.  I’m worried I won’t be attracted to him. 

I’m thinking about butterflies and sex and could this possibly it? 

And I do this EVERY time I go on a date. 

How about you? What are you thinking/worrying about in the dating world?  What makes it hard for you?

 

 

Freaky Saturday

I went on a first date tonight…. I was excited about it all week and had even broken my– no dating random dudes on MY WEEKENDS rule for it.

The date came up tonight and as I got dressed.. I started freaking out.  What if this date is horrible?  What if he looks nothing like his photos?  What if he’s so boring and uninteresting in person?  What if he tries to molest me like the last military guy I went out with?  and with all of that comes my own negative self talk… What if he hates me? What if he thinks I’m ugly/fat/boring/horrible..?  And why the hell am I freaking out like this?  I haven’t done this since my first first date!!

So in a panic, I texted my dating guru

Me: I’m getting ready for my date tonight and I’m totally terrified.  What is wrong with me? I’m having a dating breakdown.

Guru: Because you want it to work out. 

 

So damn simple…. I actually care whether or not this one becomes something.

 

Stella’s Dating Resolutions for 2013

Despite what my last post may led people to believe… I went out for NYE with a good friend of mine and we had a great time. We did what we wanted,went with the flow, and performed as many random acts of kindness as possible.  We had a lot of laughs, stayed away from drama and made some new friends.

So now here I am in 2013 ready for all it’s going to offer me.

And according to my Yahoo love horoscops for 2013:

Pisces: Dynamic
As the most romantic sign of all, you’re prone to having extreme expectations when it comes to love. The first half of this year is about you getting serious — what do you really want for yourself? Date as much as you can to find out, because this summer will bring on a one-year wave of ardent love interests. Be prepared to consider some serious relationship prospects — but your rose-colored glasses must stay in your pocket, not on your nose, if you want to be successful. For you, clarity is key in 2013.

 

So my dating resolution is to be clear about what I want and who I am.

And date, often.

Cause Yahoo told me too… and it’s good for the blog. ; )

Game Over

I had to break things off with Game Boy.  I just wasn’t feeling it.  And not for lack of trying either.

So faced with, how do I do this?  I contacted my trusted pack of dating advisors and armed with my script (yep, I had to write it all out–remember me and my verbal diarrhea), I called him.

We started with small talk:

Game Boy: Hi.. how was your day? 

Me: Good, yours?

Game Boy:  Good.  What are you doing? 

Me: Just finishing up some Christmas gifts.. so look, I called cause I wanted to talk to you about something.  I think you’re a really good guy.  I just don’t think this is it for me.

SILENCE.

I wasn’t prepared for silence.. I was only prepared if he had a “Why?” or wanted to argue with me. So since my paper was blank, I stayed quiet.  

Game Boy: Okay?  soft…quietly…slowly.

Me: Ok. quick..relieved…

Game Boy:  I wish you didn’t feel that way. I think you’re really great…

Me: rushing in… I think you’re great too.. I’m just not feeling it. 

Game Boy: Well, have a great holiday then. Have a safe trip. Hopefully we’ll see each other again.  

Me: You too.  Merry Christmas.

Then we hung up.

I did a dance.  I did it! I was honest. Brief. Didn’t talk myself into circles and it felt like a mature meeting of the minds there.  I wasn’t feeling it and I let him down easily.  Right? 

Fast forward to 11:45 that night… 

Text message from a random number(random because I had already deleted his number) 

333-333-3333: hey stella, are you available to chat tomorrow?  Maybe I’m naive but I was just really taken back by what happened earlier and I’d like to chat casually.

I thought about responding. 

That conversation could go one of two ways: 1) He could try to win me back.  2) He could make me feel bad.  Since I didn’t want either of those outcomes, I didn’t call him/text him back.  

Sometimes relationships aren’t going to work out.  Sometimes one person is going to want more than the other person.  Sometimes that person may have a photo of you on their phone as their wall paper and invite you to spend a holiday weekend with them at their uncle’s after 5 dates.  Someone has to end it. 

This time it was me.  Better than a text message.