And this is the final dissappointment…

or…

it’s the day I’ve been waiting for.

Complete closure from my divorce.

My ex is gay. And in love with his “friend”.  The one who he went on vacation with, multiple times, over our last year together.  The one I allowed to stay at our apartment for a few nights because he was having housing troubles. The one he would “fall asleep” with at the docks…

I knew.. I knew this. I really did and I let him convince me otherwise, over and over again. I doubted myself for so long…and we ended that with no closure for me, none at all.

And it’s finally come, not out to me, but to his family who have kept me in their hearts enough to want to contact me and let me know.  And I am every shade of gray that you can imagine. There is so much anger and hurt that I don’t even know how to process it at the moment..so I’m just all over the place, but as one of my best friends reminded me today, ” He always disappointed you, right from the beginning but this is it though, Stella.  It’s the final disappointment.  He can’t disappoint you anymore.”

So here’s a mix of all that’s in my head and heart today…. excuse the stream of consciousness, I’m not reediting.

I wasted 7 years with someone who made me feel completely unattractive on a regular basis AND made me feel like it was my fault (that I actually was unattractive).  I went to therapy to battle my self-esteem issues.  Spent much more than my share of nights crying in bathrooms and cars… Not the mention the money I saved and spent on a fucking wedding!  When in reality.. it was just that he wasn’t into pussy.  And he’s just figuring this out now? Or he’s just finally brave enough to admit it all now and own up to it?   You selfish, egomaniacal prick.

And why didn’t I deserve this information? A conversation? Why didn’t I rate a conversation? It’s the least he could have done for me and didn’t.  He let me go on feeling like a crazy lunatic and I wasn’t.  I wasn’t.

And he cheated on me… he was clearly having a relationship with this dude while we were married…luckily we weren’t having sex or he could have really put me in a bad place. Although it also explains some things about his health issues.

I want an annulment.  Can I get that?

The final proof, the final disappointment.  Can this all just be over now?

 

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