Guest Post: Categorically Speaking

In light of a recent email or idea for a blog post or just some other idea, I figured it was time to do some math.

Yeesh.

After doing the math, I decided math time was over, and it was time to do what I do best, try to make pretty little categories and cram shit in there so it’s less chaotic and more orderly. So, without further ado, here are the categories of dudes I have had the sexy time with:

  •  Who?
  • The Web
  • Loved
  • Impulse
  • Fun
  • Dated
  • Casual

Now, In a perfect world, I’d be able to have these lists be mutually exclusive. But I haven’t seen a perfect anything lately, let alone a whole world. Have you?

So while you may think, holy crap, Collette is a giant hobag (and you may be right), it’s not as many dudes as you may think.Some of them exist in a few categories. Settle down, you.

I’d like to address each category, so today let’s start with FUN.

Here’s how it’s going down: Fun (5)

There are 5 awesome dudes in this category.

They were awesome way back when, they’re pretty awesome now. Even if by “now”, I just mean the way they exist in my memory. I didn’t want a relationship from them, and they didn’t want a relationship from me. We knew what we were getting into and we definitely got into it.

For some of us, things weren’t so simple down the line and some emotions got in our way a little bit. But when I think about it, I’d still hook up with 4 out of 5 them again, if we had the opportunity. They were just good old fashioned American fun, and I loved how carefree each one was at the time. I could say or do anything really with each one, and not be afraid all the time that he would think less of me. That was a pretty freeing feeling.

It helped me learn to relax a little bit also, being with these guys at different stages in my life. I found that I had an inner ferocity that I didn’t realize existed before. I stepped away from my wallflower self and moved toward my fiery self. It’s pretty cool, now that I am reflecting on it.

I like to think of everything as a learning opportunity, and that’s what my Fun 5 were. Lessons learned. Primarily that it’s okay to have a specific agenda or none at all. That it’s alright to enjoy the company of the guy who is right in front of you, without spending any time dwelling on the guy he was in the past or creating romantic ideas of the guy he’ll be in your future.

The Fun 5 taught me to live in the moment. They taught me to exist and love more freely. And they taught me how to let go. We parted ways and I’m okay with that for them all. I was then, and I am now.

I wonder how the guys I don’t keep in touch with are doing, and I hope they’re happy. There’s only one who I’m still in regular contact with and I don’t have to wonder about him. He’s just fine. And so am I. I owe part of that fine-ness to the Fun 5.

Thanks, boys!

xoxo, Collette

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Guest Post: On Love

Here’s what I think about love:

It is important, and you can feel it in very different ways towards very different people for any number of reasons.  It isn’t planned for and sometimes completely unexpected.  But if you’re open and not afraid to let another person in, you can experience deep emotions that you didn’t know where there.  The problem is that so many people are afraid of love.  They’re afraid of putting themselves on the line, risking getting hurt, and a lot of times they’re even afraid of being loved.

Feeling love from someone else is such a powerful thing, that we put ourselves behind these big protective shields to keep others away.  If we feel like someone cares about us too much, or more than we’re ready to accept from them, we back away.  Or even if we want that feeling, we make up reasons why that person shouldn’t feel the way they do or why it doesn’t make sense.  But really, we’re just protecting ourselves from the emptiness we’ll feel if and when that love is suddenly gone.

I’ve dared to love people openly and with reckless abandon.  In a few circumstances, that love was either not understood or appreciated or returned, or some combination of the three.  And you know what?  That’s fine.  In my opinion, because I love the person that you are, it does not necessarily mean that I want to be your girlfriend or spend every waking moment with you or have you be “mine”.  If I’m attracted to who you are and I enjoy spending time with you, then it just makes sense that i’ll want to spend more time with you and get to know you more.  If that time spent together or those feelings end up leading us to a bedroom, then that’s great!  But it doesn’t always have to, and I’m okay with that.  And if it does end up that way but we don’t click on an intimate level, I’m perfectly okay with taking that back out of the equation.  I have known absolutely zero people who are the same way.  And that’s okay, too.

Someone who has become very important in my life has no clue what to do with the love I have for him.  He won’t admit it, but it freaks him out.  He doesn’t understand why he’s so important to me or that I have a strong love for him, without needing to sleep with him or have any kind of romantic overtones to our interactions.  He’s my friend, and I love him, and I want him in my life.  As much as fucking possible.  Simple as that.

We’ve had very long conversations.  Some of my favorite conversations, in fact.  In one that centered around particularly angsty feelings I won’t get into (on both our parts), I had this to say:

“Look.  We’re almost all deer that have wandered into barbed wire.  We’re hurt, and we’re scared, and we’re stuck.

It’s almost impossible to get out of that alone.

And if we’ve been stuck there long enough, we fear the person coming our way to help, so we shrink away.

But there are always those people who will try anyway.  And they might get cut up and a little bit stuck in the effort.

But I have to believe there is a safe way out of all that mess.

I have to.

I guess I’m just tired of being the deer.

And if you’re the deer, I’d want to try to be your person.”

I was pretty fired up at the time, but the more I re-read it, the more I love it.  Despite having used the same word three times, and despite wanting to edit it and put it back together in a prettier form.  I love what I had to say and how I felt when I said it.  I love that I still believe it.

We’re not alone here.  I’m one of the most independent people I know, but even I can admit that we can’t do it all, all by ourselves.  Sometimes we just need a little bit of help.  We need friends.  And we need love.  Don’t be afraid to love.  Being vulnerable can be really scary, but give it a try.  Take risks.  Just for the sake of taking them, not for the expectation of some kind of grand reward in the end.  Know that there are going to be plenty of times that you’ll get let down.  More often than not, you’ll feel disappointed by something.  But think about how amazing it’ll be on that one day, just once, where you suddenly feel open and understood, accepted and validated.  Trust me, it’s going to be the best feeling in the world.  Go get it.

xoxo, Collette

Guest Post: What’s Your Number?

In the movie What‘s Your Number?, Anna Faris goes on a quirky romp through the past 20 or so guys she’s had sex with (oh, a *relationship* in the movie…) because she’s convinced one of them is her “one true love”.  Nope, turns out its her male slut of a neighbor, Chris Evans.  Spoiler alert:  they end up together.

We’re not all lucky enough to have Chris Evans be our slutty, attractive, charming male neighbor who we can be madly in love with at the end of 106 minutes.

images

But let’s not fixate on the predictable ending to this romantic comedy, let’s talk numbers.  At some point, we’ve all done the “think-back” and tried to figure out just how many guys we slept with.  Okay, for some of us, it’s not that tough to figure out.  For others, it’s an exercise in futility.  Sometimes names (first or last) are optional.  Just like clothing.

In the movie, Anna’s friends are appalled at her 20 guys.  I’ve never felt like a “Samantha” so much in my life until I got to witness their scripted reactions.  Let’s just say I’ve got her character beat.  Which, when you do the math is really only sleeping with less than 2 people per year for the past however many years.  I don’t think that’s a huge deal.  I also put a lot less thought into whether or not I’m going to sleep with somebody than most girls probably do.  I do what I want, when I want, and with whom I want at the time.  There’s not really too much more to it than that.

However, it just so happens I was at a dinner with some of my guy friends recently and they started the think-back conversation.  I stayed quiet.  While I don’t feel the need to justify my number to anyone, I feel that in an actual conversation, I would end up defending myself.  Even though I don’t want to.

Why is it that guys get to brag so much about their numbers and girls have to make excuses?  I refuse to talk numbers with anyone I’m dating, because I don’t care about theirs and they shouldn’t care about mine.  What do you think–is knowing the number important?

 

XoXo, Collette

Guest Post: How to: The Non-Relationship

A completely unsolicited guide to a non-relationship from your favorite guest poster, Colette.

The Non-Relationship is a glorious thing that few people ever get the opportunity to fully enjoy. If you’re single and the window of opportunity for a non-relationship comes up, you owe it to yourself to jump right through. So what the hell *is* a non-relationship? It may be hard to define for some, but it can be identified by the following key points:
1. You have great sex
Wait. That’s the only point of a non-relationship.

But how do I go about it? What if I mess it up? What if he likes me more than I like him? What if I start to have feelings for him? Should he spend the night? Should we hang out? What about…?

Relax! Take a breather and think about your situation before you get in your own way. If you’re wondering about enacting the non-relationship, you’ve probably already got someone in mind. Congratulations! Let’s assess. You met someone who is attracted to you and vice versa. Excellent. There is a very real possibility that you’re going to hook up soon. And possibly often. Congrats again, you sexy beast. Do you care what he does for a living? Do you care if your friends would like him? Do you imagine doodling your first name with his last name after it in the margin of your spiral notebook? If the answer to any of these questions was “yes”, then he’s probably not non-relationship material and you’re not ready for it anyway. But if you got to that last question and suddenly realized you don’t even know his last name (but you do know that you’ve imagined him naked at least a handful of times), then you’re well on your way!

In my experience, when two people are at a stage in their lives where they are both looking to have great sex with zero commitment and zero strings, something magical happens. Each person knows exactly where he/she stands without having to have a real discussion about it. And that’s probably because the relationship these two people have already established is not too deep. In fact, there aren’t a ton of discussions in general, so why have one about feelings? If this is your first attempt at a non-relationship and you just don’t feel comfortable without at least letting your thoughts be known, then go ahead and throw it out there. If he’s up for it, then you just became a very lucky woman.

Let’s again take a minute to assess. You’re attracted to this guy. You want to sleep with him. That’s it. If you’re honest with yourself and that’s your only real expectation, then there’s no better time than the present.

Broaching the subject:
Text him to see if he has any plans tonight. Yes, text. I would suggest making this a day when you’re not working the next. If you’re slightly more confident and don’t mind being forward, ask him if he has any plans early tomorrow. 😉

Get together for drinks. Sit at the bar, not a table.

Chit chat as much as you want until your drinks get there. If you can’t or don’t bring up what you want to say by the time either of you are done your first drinks, then you’re probably not ready for a non-relationship with this guy.

Tell him what your plans are for him. Example:

So Jason, here’s the thing: I’m attracted to you. And I’m pretty sure that feeling is mutual. I don’t know how you feel, but I am really not interested in a relationship. I like the vibe we have. I think we could have a lot of fun together.

That’s it. That’s all you need to say.

If he’s not on the same page, don’t worry about it! If this if your first time being completely honest with someone this way, it might feel very strange to get rejected. Because let’s face it, this is a rejection. But who cares? You didn’t die. You set out with a goal in mind and you did what you wanted to do. In the long run, if he’s not interested in hooking up right now, for whatever reason, then saying “no thanks” is saving you a big hassle later.

If he agrees with you, you’re in business. The only other question should be, “Your place, or mine?” Pay the tab. Get the hell out of there and have fun, you goddess of everything fierce and awesome. You deserve it.

What happens next is all up to you two. I hope you have a fabulously naughty time. Here’s just a bit more insight from my own experience. Don’t think of this as a rule book, because there really aren’t any rules. This is just the formula that has been successful for me.
Stick with text messages. And only for the express purpose of making plans to get together. A sext here or there is great because it keeps you fired up. I was lucky enough to not have to initiate the sexts, so I simply played along.
Don’t get caught up in the details. If after a few hookups, you still really don’t want a relationship with this guy (nor he, you), try not to upset the balance. His personal shit is really not relevant to you. As soon as you start talking about friends, family, work, you fall into the “stress unloading” talks that become mainstays in real relationships. Ugh. Avoid. The only stress you need to unload with this guy can be taken care of in the bedroom. Or the kitchen. Or the car. Whatever.
Stay honest. With yourself. With him. If you get the sense one of your feelings has changed, do a quick reality check.
Is it you? Do you suddenly want Jason to be “Jason, my boyfriend” instead of “Jason, my non-relationship?” Cut ties. You don’t want to mess up a good thing by having a relationship talk when you’re the one who wanted a non-relationship to begin with. If you tell him you’re calling a time-out on the non-relationship and he agrees, but then a few days go by and he calls (breaking the text custom) and say’s he can’t stop thinking about you and needs you in his life and not just in his bed, then you’ve just found out you’re playing a starring role in a romantic comedy. Chances are, this isn’t going to happen. As much as you want him to reciprocate your feelings, if there’s no follow up after you decide to go on hiatus, then he wasn’t feeling the same things you were. Or he wasn’t ready to admit them if he had them. His loss.
Is it him? Does Jason suddenly start texting just to say hi? Does he send you a friend request on facebook? Is he asking you out on dinner dates instead of coming over for a midnight snack? Is there a greater proportion of talk before having sex any given day/night than after? Has he just come right out and said that he’s into you more? These are pretty good indicators that the non-relationship status is shifting. Again, honesty is your best friend here. Think about what you wanted when you started and what you want now. Then act.
-Have a feelings-free out. Again, in my experience, this was pretty easy. I won’t tell you how to do it, figure that out what works for you both. In my case, I was lucky enough to “take a raincheck” or “tap out for a while”. Both of which I texted in response to requests to get together. One time I even said admitted that I started seeing someone else. We’re all grown ups here. There were no hurt feelings.

I wish you all the best in your non-relationship endeavors. Have fun!

*Note: avoid any attempts at a non-relationship structure with someone you are already friends with or see on a regular basis. That’s a recipe for disaster. And a whole other topic entirely.

Guest Post- Rookie Mistakes part 2

Collette here… back with part 2!

Lee. I’m almost positive this was a fake name anyway, so let’s just keep it.
In my wilder days, I had mostly co-ed evenings out. I was lucky enough to be part of a somewhat large circle of bar-hopping friends who as a whole felt very comfortable in just about any place that sold alcohol. Mostly because we would swarm in somewhat early and by halfway through the evening, everyone in the place would know us. More or less. This dynamic was fantastic for having a good night out, but not the best for meeting new guys. Because our guy-girl ratio was fairly even, most other guys wouldn’t bother making moves because the assumption was always that we were there as couples. This wave of going out en masse lasted a good long while, but when the swell died down so did my desire to go to bars at all, let alone meet new men there.
Enter the Girls Night Out.
One weekend I had some friends visiting from out of town, plus their friends, plus a group of girls from various smaller local friend circles get together to celebrate that age-old tradition that ends up with at least one raunchy story. I happened to be the star of this one.
We spent the whole evening in our circle, dancing, laughing, and drinking who-knows-what, and taking bomb shots at a time when they were at the height of their popularity. The difference between me and most of the lovely ladies I was with this particular evening was that I would be going home to an empty house and they would either be going home to their boyfriends, fiances, or husbands, or calling their boyfriends/fiances/husbands as soon as they got back to their hotel rooms. No fair!
I realized around midnight that I was a tad jealous and began to scan the bar for some testosterone of my own to sample. And when I say scan, I mean look around and try to figure out if the haziness was either the smoke in the room or my being far too drunk. Spoiler alert: It was my being far too drunk.
Rookie Mistake #1. Never get THAT drunk when you’re planning on having a one-nighter.
But it was too late. I was on a mission. At some point a guy who was with someone I checked out a few times came over and started talking but it was loud and I wasn’t listening to him anyway. And being the perfect lady I am, I turned to this fine gentleman and asked him his name. Let’s call him Jack.
“I’m Jack,” he said.
“That’s great Jack. Hi. I really haven’t been listening to you at all and I don’t care. Who’s your friend over there?”
“Him? That’s Lee.”
“Lee. Is his girlfriend here?” ***I learned from a mistake. See entry: Wes.***
“Lee doesn’t have a girlfriend.”
“Perfect!”
I get up and sit next to Lee and do whatever it is I thought was a sexy move, but having been drunk the exact details elude me. It must have worked because next thing I know we’re making out in the bar, which is something I actually can’t stand to see. Ever. And here I am committing the same crime. Oh well.
At this point the girl code kicks in and my ladies come over and try to save me from poor decisions by explaining how it’s time to go. I was already invested in this boy. “It’s time to go home,” they said. “I’ll go home,” I said. “But not with you. I want Lee to take me home.” They were very much against this idea, but his boys assured them that everything would be fine. There was a significant amount of back-and-forth and I finally managed to convince my girls that I wouldn’t die this evening.
Rookie Mistake #2. Never let your friends leave without you when you’ve got no other way home, save a random guy you’ve known for 20 minutes.
We all left together, my friends getting in their cars while Lee and I got in a cab. We were heading to his place.
Rookie Mistake #3. Keep the O.N.S. on home turf.
You never know what you’re going to walk into at someone else’s house, but you’ve got plenty of home court advantage at your own place. Some may disagree with me on this one. But I’m sticking by it. Especially because when I stumbled into Lee’s place I thought I was done for.
The place looked like a frat house and was definitely shady. I’m thinking he had about 3 or 4 (thousand) roommates. I immediately changed my mind. I regrouped in the bathroom and when I came out I asked if it was okay that we went to my place instead. I told him his place was scary and we’d have much more fun at my own. I don’t know if that was entirely truthful, but at least I didn’t have to worry about roommates sitting by the bedroom door giggling at their friend’s conquest.
In the morning, I realized how stupid I had been the night before and how my friends were probably so mad at me and scared that they just let their friend go off to certain doom. I began the text parade. When Lee woke up we said hi to each other and I complimented him on his tattoo. Then it was awkward.
Rookie Mistake #4. There was no exit strategy.
I was new at this and hadn’t thought that far ahead. It was Saturday now and I had absolutely no plans. No big work meeting to get to, no pressing errands to run, no real reason to kick him out. He floated around the bedroom like a ghost, probably also trying to figure out the nicest way to make a run for it. In the end, my texting is what saved us from the awkwardness. When he saw my phone, you would have thought he had an epiphany that suddenly gave him the cure for cancer. “Oh! My phone. I should probably call ____. Is it here? I think it’s in the car…I should go get it.” As soon as he was out the door I rushed over to the window, kind of hoping he would just drive away. He didn’t. He just sat in the driver’s seat. For a while. When my phone rang I nearly jumped out of my skin. It was Lee.
“Hey. I think I’m just going to go home…?”
“Yeah that’s probably a good idea. Are you good with directions?”
“Yeah, I’ll make it back okay.”
“Good. Give me a buzz if you get lost.”
And he was off.
Rookie Mistakes #5,6,7.
I didn’t delete him from my phone.
I ended up going back to the same bar fairly shortly after our evening. I didn’t see him (thankfully) but I did recognize a couple of friends. Turns out at least one of them worked there. I could no longer go back to this bar. Bummer.
I texted him a few weeks later because I was out in his neighborhood and wanted to meet up again. He said that sounded like a good idea, but later flaked out. I spent the rest of the evening sulking and feeling rejected. Ugh. What a lame-o.
I made plenty of mistakes with Lee.
And I learned at least one lesson: your phone can be a lifesaver in some situations, but in others, it’s your own worst enemy.

Guest Post: Rookie Mistakes pt. 1

Collette back for more:

In the Pantheon of men I’ve been with, the Rookie Mistakes hold a very special place. Most fond memories are the result of attempts to engage in one-nighters a la the cool, casual women I admired pulling them off flawlessly in all the TV shows and movies I’d seen over the years. As it turns out, I was never as smooth as these ladies. Here are some highlights for your reading pleasure:

Wes. Among the first attempts, Wes stands out because he wasn’t a real, true, O.N.S. I kind of sort of knew him and saw him around a bit. He kissed me at a club once, but I wasn’t interested at the time. When we were around each other physically, we exchanged a few flirty eye fucks here and there and didn’t say much outside of “hi” to each other. When we exchanged electronic communication, it was always risque but we never acted on it.

Then one evening I finally had to ask what the point of all this was. Were we going to get down to business, or weren’t we? As it turns out, we were. I threw on a cleavage-baring top, some pants that made my ass look fabulous, threw a less scandalous top in a bag and headed out the door. When I got there, he offered me a beer, which I accepted. He had one as well and we stood there with a significant space between us as we sipped our beers wondering what the next move was going to be and who was going to make it. It was me. The beer was shitty anyway, so I put it down and told him, “You know, I could have had a beer at home, alone.” To which the answer was very obviously, “let’s get naked.” It turns out all that build-up was for naught as his performance was less than stellar.

Rookie Mistake #1. It can’t be a real One Night Stand if there’s been all that tension leading up to it. We had far too much time and communication before hooking up. I had known him for months, maybe even a year or more at this point. When it was time to go, I tried to make it the least amount of awkward as possible. While he was in the bathroom, I switched tops to my “I’m not actually a whore” shirt and was fixing my hair in the mirror. When he came back in the room he seemed thrown off and asked, “Did you bring an extra shirt with you?” To which I replied, “Yes. You didn’t think I came here to talk, did you?” He had no response. He just stood there looking far too beautiful for someone that bad in bed.

Just as I was doing cartwheels inside at my ultimate victory at having conquered this man and shown him up in the sack, I turned to double check my eye makeup in the mirror before saying my goodbyes. All illusions of being a sexy, independent woman who can do what she wants and with whomever she wants began to falter. Smiling back at me from the corner of the mirror was a picture of Wes and a blondish girl with curly hair cheek-to-cheek and looking very much like a couple. As I turned back to him, I pointed over to the picture and asked, “Who’s that?” Still confused by my actions, he answered very matter-of-factly, “That’s Danielle. My girlfriend.”

Rookie Mistake #2. Make sure they don’t have girlfriends/fiances/wives. I shouldn’t have assumed he was single. Now I had to worry about feeling guilty for being party to a cheating. Not my cup of tea. I rolled my eyes and let out a sigh of annoyance as I started to leave. I patted him on the chest and gave him a sarcastic, “nice” as I walked out the door. It should have been simple: go over there, have a great time, go home victorious, never call again.

Rookie mistakes turned my supposed big win into a definite big fail when all I had to show for my efforts was half a can of crappy beer that was still more enjoyable than being naked with a great looking guy. Add guilt for being the “other woman”.

At least I got one thing right–I never called again.

Guest Post: One-Night Stands, the Rules

Upon hearing of our email dialogue, our good friend Collette decided to weigh in….

Hi everyone, Collette (wondering who I am?  Meet me in the Meet Our Friends section!) here… I’m loving the chatter and asked if I could add in some of my own thoughts…

 

Here’s the thing:  I’ve been in “guy mode” when it comes to the O.N.S. for many years–since college?  But it took me a decent chunk of time to figure out the right way to go about it.   I wouldn’t say I’ve perfected it, but I’ve definitely learned from enough rookie mistakes to know how to go about it if that’s what I want to do.

The Rules:

BEFORE YOU LEAVE THE HOUSE:

  • Make the decision before you go out that you’re taking someone home.  Once you’ve made this decision, it gives you the freedom to do the important things.  Like hiding your piles of laundry and locking up your valuables.  Let’s face it, you may be willing to bring random guy A home with you, but a quick sweep of your boudoir while you’re in the bathroom could reveal some personal details you just aren’t into sharing (like your collection of Lisa Frank sticker books you’ve been hanging onto since the 90s). And you definitely don’t want him walking out the door in the morning with your iphone or expensive jewelry in his pocket.

WHILE YOU’RE OUT:

  • Congratulations, you’re going to feast upon some sexy man meat this evening.  I don’t care if it’s your first time making this decision or your 50th.  DO NOT GET DRUNK.  When you get sloppy and lose control it might be easier to make poor decisions that end up being fun, but you can (and probably will) also make poor decisions that end up scary (read:  ceiling fright, photos of a questionable nature, how did my car get here?, etc.).
  • Pace yourself.  If you’re lucky enough to have picked a spot for your prowling that happens to be overrun with prospects, don’t go crazy like a kid in a candy store.  Scope out the scenery, talk to a few people, check out the ring fingers.  Minimize drama.  You are a single, attractive, confident women who is DTF.  There’s really no scenario in which you can’t take home the single guy of your choice.  Know that.  Just make sure he’s single.  There should be a couple solid hours of floating around before you make your decision.  Use them wisely.

YOU’VE CHOSEN YOUR TARGET:

  • Flirt all you want.  It’s your show now.  But let’s be honest with each other.  If you know too much (last name, where he works, where he went to school, what sports league he plays in, etc.) you know you’re going to Facebook him later.  You will.  And when Facebook searches come up fruitless, you’re going to Google.  Then hit up LinkedIn.  It’s a sick cycle.  Avoid it.  Your name is Joe?  That’s great.  You live somewhere in America, good for you.  Your job is blah blah blah…okay just shut up and let me envision you with your shirt off.
  • The Big Move (patent pending):  You’re going to get tired of the chit-chat or you’re going to start learning too many details (see above) or you’re going to start to get too many beers/drinks into the evening (see above, above).  When you break up the conversation to indicate that you should really get going, it’s getting late, etc.,  he’s either going to ask to call you or you’re going to ask to call him.  Either way, a number is getting exchanged.  Here’s your scenario:

Girl:  Wow, I’ve got a big day tomorrow.  Looks like the time got away from me while I was talking with you.  I should get going.
Guy:  Aww, already?  That’s a shame.  Maybe I can call you later?
Girl:  Sure, what’s your number?  I’ll text you and you’ll have mine.
Guy: xxx-xxx-xxxx
Girl (texting):  Hey, it’s (insert name or fake name here).  Come home with me. (Or other obvious, salacious, direct, but not-too-skanky text.)

  • *99.9% of the time he will come home with you.  The ones that come up with some reason not to have something they’re hiding (fiance, lives in parent’s basement with assortment of hair dolls, small penis).  If he doesn’t go for it, tell him it’s his loss and move on.  Seriously.  Walk away.

DO THE DEED.

  • Be smart here.  Your goal is sex, not breeding humans or diseases.

MORNING AFTER:

  • Coffee is fine, try not to drink it together at your table.  He can sip his while he’s getting ready to go.  You can drink yours while you’re busying yourself with other things.  Skip breakfast.  Definitely don’t go out to breakfast.  If he’s taking his time putting his clothes back on and you happen to notice what a fucking win you just scored, and it seems pretty obvious he’s good for another go, feel free to take advantage.  Especially considering that this is the only time it’s okay to sleep with a O.N.S. a second time.
  • He’s out the door.  Do your happy dance all you want.  But make sure you DELETE him from your phone.  Get all the romantic ideas out of your head about how he’s the perfect guy and it’s kismet and you’re going to run off together and take over the world.  While you’re at it, get all the dirty ideas out of your head as well about how you’re only going to call each other after 11pm any given night.  It’s too easy to obsess over what things mean or what might be when you have access to this guy.  Control yourself.  Hit delete.
  • If he wants to see you again, he’ll still have your info and you can decide later what you want to do with that.  For now, be thankful that you had a wonderful evening that was all on your terms.

This is how men have operated forever.  Enjoy the feeling for once!