Tonight

And this song made me cry tonight

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I’m not proud of this but…

I sometimes give up on myself.

I give up the hope and belief that good things will happen for me when it comes to love…hell, when it comes to life.

I have to combat negative self-talk way more than I’d like to admit (though far less in the past 2 years than ever before.).

But as I give up hope there is a nagging little voice,  that I like to equate to Tinkerbell, that semi-whispers into my heart that there is hope…that it could be… that the dreamer/fairy tale princess inside of me can actually win.

This week, Tinkerbell whispered with a photograph.

Where the fuck’s my glass slipper?

I want the damn fairy tale.

I’m admitting it.

I want that perfect happily ever after.. you know, the one that you know is not so perfect and not so 100% happily ever after..but I want the story.  I want the romance. I want that fairy tale.

I want the kind of love that you can drop everything for.  The kind that you can be completely impractical about.  The type where someone will slay a dragon, fight his way through guards and smell every dirty foot in the country just to find you.

Because here’s the truth.

I would do that.

There is little I wouldn’t do when I truly love someone and yet for some reason, I never seem to find the guys that would go that extra mile… or even 1/4 mile…into the wilds for me.

And before you tell me that they don’t exist (cause trust me, I went through that phase too) I know they do.  I’ve seen men like this with  my friends… my dad…I know they’re there.

 

That’s it. I’m putting my foot down.  Where the hell is Prince Charming?

It’s Oh So Quiet…

 

We’ve been quiet over here for awhile.

Both Delilah and I have been swamped with actual work and other life issues… so unfortunately our dating blogging has suffered.

I’m sorry about that.

I promise I’ll be back in the next week or so with some updates, guest posts and other musing on the world of dating and love.

But how are all you doing?

What’s new?

Rejection

I’ve been swimming along in this little dating adventure feeling like a big fish in a small pond.

There’s no good way to say this so I’m just going to say it.

In terms of the dating pond,  I had been  feeling like I was the hot fish in the tank.

Online dating has been relatively good to me.  No major scars. Nothing so traumatic I haven’t been able to come back from.. that being said, no major love connections either.  No one I was truly into….

Cue the Southern Boy.

My first EHarm date.  We’d been chatting on the phone for about 2 weeks before we finally went out, schedules and such..

He was the first date in a long time that made me nervous.  I was already kinda diggin this guy, his confidence and his openness… I was excited about meeting him and worried about how it would all turn out.  He was the date I had a minor panic attack over.

Our first date was nice… went well, had a lot to talk about.  No kiss.. but a friendly hug and let’s definitely do this again.

We continued to talk. Went out again.  I’m attracted to him (that seemed to be the area that was lacking most in many of my dates) and I’m wondering about making out with him when he starts saying things that are red flags for me.  “Doesn’t like Christmas.  Not a fan of the holidays.”  “Not a good relationship with his family.”  “No friends in the area”  “Prefers to stay home and watch movies” (in fact our last 3 dates were   hang-outs at his place, and once at mine. Red flags, red flags.. but I’m attracted to him… this counts for something. It’s early yet, I don’t end it. He’s the dude I went on this date with.

So let’s recap: I’m attracted to him.    I know it wasn’t going to work out but I’m not ready to end it.. I have this small hope that maybe, I’m wrong.

And also there’s this wild attraction I can’t get rid of…. hmmmm..

I think I’m awesome and clever (ya know, big fish > small pond) and think, no harm can come from a good healthy make out session… I’m attracted to him damn it!! He makes me feel sexy so I go for it.  And it’s fun, things are going well and bam!  Right in the middle of it, I feel the lack of connection and falter and he notices.  But neither of us says anything and on we go.

The next day we say goodbye.. and then I don’t hear from him.

We had made plans for a Wednesday night and in the span of the 2 days leading up to it, I received 2 texts.  Returns to my own messages.  Very odd for him (he liked to message me all day long) and talk to me every day.  At first I didn’t think anything of it, but on Wednesday morning, when I still hadn’t heard from him  I decided to text him:

Me: Hey, haven’t really heard from you. I’m assuming we aren’t doing anything tonight. Have a good day.

Him:  Hey, I was trying to think of the best way to tell you this but the other night wasn’t what I had expected or hoped. And I think you felt the same way.

I’m dumbfounded. What the fuck does that mean?!?!?!?!?

Me: The best way is to just be honest with me and say it. That’s one thing I’ve liked about you from the beginning, your honesty (even when it was completely inappropriate).  You’re right, I don’t think this is going to work out.  It was nice getting to know you.

end scene…

But here’s the thing. I’m hurt. And you can say, “But Stella, you weren’t that into him anyway and you didn’t think it was going to work out.”  And yes, you’re right but in my overanalytical way, I’m pretty damn sure that what I got there was a ” You suck at all things sexual” OR “You’re ugly naked”  send off.

AND OUCH, tt stings. A lot.

Guess I’m not that hot fish I seemed to think I was.

 

Has anything like this ever happened to you? How did you/do you handle it?

 

The Run In.

The other morning I happened to stop by my local Dunkin Donuts for a wake up wrap (don’t judge, I like a good wake up wrap and I had no food in the house!).  I was happy, jaunty even… strolling in with my new-to-me skinny cords, wavy hair and fresh from vacay glow when I took notice of the tall dude at the end of the line.

My eyes narrowed. Is that….???

I did a double take and looked away.. there’s no way that’s Southern Boy*.  I took in his appearance, the work boots, the way he stood. He was wearing a hat.

Crap.. this is directly around the corner from his work. Double crap, he’s starting to look around.

I look away nervously and do a quick self-assessment. Please don’t say anything to me.  

I feel awkward.  Really awkward.  Things had ended weird and I do NOT want to make any contact. AT ALL.

He orders.  I hear his voice.  Oh it’s definitely him and also, not as healthy as you made yourself out to be with the 2 Boston Cremes buddy.

He pays and before he can move away from the register, “Can I help you, Mam?”

I walk up quickly, swing my hair to the right (to cover my face, I guess.) and place my order.  Please don’t talk to me!

He turns and looks at me, I can feel it.

I look straight at the cashier, smile and pay for my order.

Before I can walk to the end of the counter to pick up my wrap, he’s gone.

I sigh with relief. Maybe he felt awkward as well.

 

 

*I owe you the explaination of what happened with Southern Boy.. it’s coming but as my ego was a little bruised with that one, it’s taken longer than expected to write.  I’ll link it up soon.

 

 

 

 

the aftermath…

Sorry for the freak out the other day. This has been an interesting weekend for me.  Along with the news that ex is in love with a leprechaun  came a very serious stomach virus/infection that has rocked my world, sent me to the hospital and left me hibernating in my house for the past few days.

With lots of down time and lots of time to process in between bouts of feeling like I was going to die, I’m left feeling some peace and a bit of advice for all of us.

Own your life. 

Own who you are, who you love and your mistakes. 

Make amends to the people you hurt. 

Be honest with those that you love.

But above all other things, OWN your choices.  

That is ultimately what I take away from this journey.