Confession Time

You guys, I hate dating.

There. I’m saying it.  I hate it.  I know you’ve all come here to laugh and revel in our dating stories but truthfully, I’ve been hating this scene for a month or so now and Delilah’s been hating for a bit longer than that.  

Hatred does not make for good blog fodder.  Nor does that lack of motivation to get your ass out there. I’ve got both of those going at the moment.  I’m considering taking the rest of the summer off to just “do me”… which will be taking on multiple meanings, if you catch my drift…

 

and then something or someone slowly reels me back in.  Sometimes it’s just cause I’m horny but look, I SWEAR I haven’t even contacted my favorite Booty Call in months!!… well except for last week.. but the lack of motivation to even put that together killed it before I could say, “Be here at… ” .  And sometimes it’s a text message or a phone call… or just a silly thought I manifest in my own head. 

Sigh.

Maybe it’s the weather?  Maybe it’s just too hot to date right now? I do get irrationally angry when people try to touch me and it’s hot out.  On a recent occasion I half whispered/half-hissed “I hate everyone” to my cousin as I walked past her at a baby shower.  Maybe it’s just my attitude. 

 

Anyone else having a hard time getting into the dating scene at the moment?

Any tips for keeping yourself going? 

 

 

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Guest Post: Categorically Speaking

In light of a recent email or idea for a blog post or just some other idea, I figured it was time to do some math.

Yeesh.

After doing the math, I decided math time was over, and it was time to do what I do best, try to make pretty little categories and cram shit in there so it’s less chaotic and more orderly. So, without further ado, here are the categories of dudes I have had the sexy time with:

  •  Who?
  • The Web
  • Loved
  • Impulse
  • Fun
  • Dated
  • Casual

Now, In a perfect world, I’d be able to have these lists be mutually exclusive. But I haven’t seen a perfect anything lately, let alone a whole world. Have you?

So while you may think, holy crap, Collette is a giant hobag (and you may be right), it’s not as many dudes as you may think.Some of them exist in a few categories. Settle down, you.

I’d like to address each category, so today let’s start with FUN.

Here’s how it’s going down: Fun (5)

There are 5 awesome dudes in this category.

They were awesome way back when, they’re pretty awesome now. Even if by “now”, I just mean the way they exist in my memory. I didn’t want a relationship from them, and they didn’t want a relationship from me. We knew what we were getting into and we definitely got into it.

For some of us, things weren’t so simple down the line and some emotions got in our way a little bit. But when I think about it, I’d still hook up with 4 out of 5 them again, if we had the opportunity. They were just good old fashioned American fun, and I loved how carefree each one was at the time. I could say or do anything really with each one, and not be afraid all the time that he would think less of me. That was a pretty freeing feeling.

It helped me learn to relax a little bit also, being with these guys at different stages in my life. I found that I had an inner ferocity that I didn’t realize existed before. I stepped away from my wallflower self and moved toward my fiery self. It’s pretty cool, now that I am reflecting on it.

I like to think of everything as a learning opportunity, and that’s what my Fun 5 were. Lessons learned. Primarily that it’s okay to have a specific agenda or none at all. That it’s alright to enjoy the company of the guy who is right in front of you, without spending any time dwelling on the guy he was in the past or creating romantic ideas of the guy he’ll be in your future.

The Fun 5 taught me to live in the moment. They taught me to exist and love more freely. And they taught me how to let go. We parted ways and I’m okay with that for them all. I was then, and I am now.

I wonder how the guys I don’t keep in touch with are doing, and I hope they’re happy. There’s only one who I’m still in regular contact with and I don’t have to wonder about him. He’s just fine. And so am I. I owe part of that fine-ness to the Fun 5.

Thanks, boys!

xoxo, Collette

Rejection

I’ve been swimming along in this little dating adventure feeling like a big fish in a small pond.

There’s no good way to say this so I’m just going to say it.

In terms of the dating pond,  I had been  feeling like I was the hot fish in the tank.

Online dating has been relatively good to me.  No major scars. Nothing so traumatic I haven’t been able to come back from.. that being said, no major love connections either.  No one I was truly into….

Cue the Southern Boy.

My first EHarm date.  We’d been chatting on the phone for about 2 weeks before we finally went out, schedules and such..

He was the first date in a long time that made me nervous.  I was already kinda diggin this guy, his confidence and his openness… I was excited about meeting him and worried about how it would all turn out.  He was the date I had a minor panic attack over.

Our first date was nice… went well, had a lot to talk about.  No kiss.. but a friendly hug and let’s definitely do this again.

We continued to talk. Went out again.  I’m attracted to him (that seemed to be the area that was lacking most in many of my dates) and I’m wondering about making out with him when he starts saying things that are red flags for me.  “Doesn’t like Christmas.  Not a fan of the holidays.”  “Not a good relationship with his family.”  “No friends in the area”  “Prefers to stay home and watch movies” (in fact our last 3 dates were   hang-outs at his place, and once at mine. Red flags, red flags.. but I’m attracted to him… this counts for something. It’s early yet, I don’t end it. He’s the dude I went on this date with.

So let’s recap: I’m attracted to him.    I know it wasn’t going to work out but I’m not ready to end it.. I have this small hope that maybe, I’m wrong.

And also there’s this wild attraction I can’t get rid of…. hmmmm..

I think I’m awesome and clever (ya know, big fish > small pond) and think, no harm can come from a good healthy make out session… I’m attracted to him damn it!! He makes me feel sexy so I go for it.  And it’s fun, things are going well and bam!  Right in the middle of it, I feel the lack of connection and falter and he notices.  But neither of us says anything and on we go.

The next day we say goodbye.. and then I don’t hear from him.

We had made plans for a Wednesday night and in the span of the 2 days leading up to it, I received 2 texts.  Returns to my own messages.  Very odd for him (he liked to message me all day long) and talk to me every day.  At first I didn’t think anything of it, but on Wednesday morning, when I still hadn’t heard from him  I decided to text him:

Me: Hey, haven’t really heard from you. I’m assuming we aren’t doing anything tonight. Have a good day.

Him:  Hey, I was trying to think of the best way to tell you this but the other night wasn’t what I had expected or hoped. And I think you felt the same way.

I’m dumbfounded. What the fuck does that mean?!?!?!?!?

Me: The best way is to just be honest with me and say it. That’s one thing I’ve liked about you from the beginning, your honesty (even when it was completely inappropriate).  You’re right, I don’t think this is going to work out.  It was nice getting to know you.

end scene…

But here’s the thing. I’m hurt. And you can say, “But Stella, you weren’t that into him anyway and you didn’t think it was going to work out.”  And yes, you’re right but in my overanalytical way, I’m pretty damn sure that what I got there was a ” You suck at all things sexual” OR “You’re ugly naked”  send off.

AND OUCH, tt stings. A lot.

Guess I’m not that hot fish I seemed to think I was.

 

Has anything like this ever happened to you? How did you/do you handle it?

 

Guest Post: What’s Your Number?

In the movie What‘s Your Number?, Anna Faris goes on a quirky romp through the past 20 or so guys she’s had sex with (oh, a *relationship* in the movie…) because she’s convinced one of them is her “one true love”.  Nope, turns out its her male slut of a neighbor, Chris Evans.  Spoiler alert:  they end up together.

We’re not all lucky enough to have Chris Evans be our slutty, attractive, charming male neighbor who we can be madly in love with at the end of 106 minutes.

images

But let’s not fixate on the predictable ending to this romantic comedy, let’s talk numbers.  At some point, we’ve all done the “think-back” and tried to figure out just how many guys we slept with.  Okay, for some of us, it’s not that tough to figure out.  For others, it’s an exercise in futility.  Sometimes names (first or last) are optional.  Just like clothing.

In the movie, Anna’s friends are appalled at her 20 guys.  I’ve never felt like a “Samantha” so much in my life until I got to witness their scripted reactions.  Let’s just say I’ve got her character beat.  Which, when you do the math is really only sleeping with less than 2 people per year for the past however many years.  I don’t think that’s a huge deal.  I also put a lot less thought into whether or not I’m going to sleep with somebody than most girls probably do.  I do what I want, when I want, and with whom I want at the time.  There’s not really too much more to it than that.

However, it just so happens I was at a dinner with some of my guy friends recently and they started the think-back conversation.  I stayed quiet.  While I don’t feel the need to justify my number to anyone, I feel that in an actual conversation, I would end up defending myself.  Even though I don’t want to.

Why is it that guys get to brag so much about their numbers and girls have to make excuses?  I refuse to talk numbers with anyone I’m dating, because I don’t care about theirs and they shouldn’t care about mine.  What do you think–is knowing the number important?

 

XoXo, Collette

the aftermath…

Sorry for the freak out the other day. This has been an interesting weekend for me.  Along with the news that ex is in love with a leprechaun  came a very serious stomach virus/infection that has rocked my world, sent me to the hospital and left me hibernating in my house for the past few days.

With lots of down time and lots of time to process in between bouts of feeling like I was going to die, I’m left feeling some peace and a bit of advice for all of us.

Own your life. 

Own who you are, who you love and your mistakes. 

Make amends to the people you hurt. 

Be honest with those that you love.

But above all other things, OWN your choices.  

That is ultimately what I take away from this journey.

A Letter to the Mamas

Child’s birthday party that I wasn’t invited to:  Oh, sorry Stella, I only invited the people with kids. OR I didn’t think you’d want to come since you don’t have any children.  This has happened to me.  That sucks.

“So what’s going on with you? What’s new?  How’s dating?”  my friend Jill asked, after a lengthy monolgue on breast feeding in public.  I had listened attentively.  Nodded my head at the right moments.  Added my input on different occasions.  But I had listened.  Her  3 month old had been remarkably quiet during the conversation and her 5 year old was running around in the background.  Now it’s my turn to share and BAM!  3 month old is screaming…. 5 year old is hungry and Jill has to get off the phone.  “Look, Stella, I gotta go.. the kids..” Jill says.  “Yeah sure.” I answer, “No problem, just call…” she’s already hung up.  We don’t talk again until 3 weeks later, when I call her back.

“Well,Connor is writing his letters and singing his ABCs” Syllvia said, we all sat down at the restaurant for a girls’ night.  “That’s so great! ” Agnes replied, “Bella started right around the same time”… the 7 of us sat around the table.. eatting, drinking, laughing.. and sharing stories about our lives.  All are moms, except me, so most of the stories deal with babies and toddler and preschool. When it’s my turn, I realize 2 of my friends have tuned out to continue their very important conversation about teething strategies and I’m 100% sure that the look Syllvia is giving me reeks of pity.  But I share anyway about dating and travels.  Embelishing some of my stories to make them funnier and chopping some stories shorter cause I can tell I’m not holding all of their attention.  I wonder if I’m just getting the pity listen so they can go back to their more important conversations.  I finish my stories quickly, get a squeeze of reassurance from Kelly and then the topic turns back to, Kids.  I find myself zoning out a bit after the realization that no one seems to care about my life at all.

“You’ll understand when you’re a mom.”   “You don’t get it because you aren’t a mom.” “It must be nice to get to travel/sleep in/get your nails done… I dont’ have time!”

Dear Mama Friends,

The preceeding situations have been embellished (a bit) and names have been changed to protect the not-so-innocent but adored, women in my life… but they’ve happened to me.  And you need to know that they don’t feel good.

First things first, I adore you.  Each and every one of you.  If I didn’t, we wouldn’t be friends.  And your children, I love them as well! I love to see their photos and hear about their milestones.  I listen when you complained about feeling fat and tired.  I bought you cute things off your registry and offered to take photos of them when they finally arrived.  We went on pedicure dates together, cried about infertility treatments/miscarriages and laughed when little Connor said, ” Shit” as his first word.

And then, I see you post things on the internet about how us childless women don’t get it, or you don’t invite me to little Joe’s 2nd birthday party— ya know, because I don’t have kids or you don’t call me- EVER and I’m tired of having to read that shit and not having the opportunity to respond.  So here it is:

I get it, despite what you think, I do.  You’re a mom now.  I know you’re busy.  I know you have these amazing little humans that you are now responsible for and your time is not your own anymore and just because I’m single (again) and don’t have children doesn’t mean I can’t understand that or that I don’t want to hear about it.  I can and I do… but I’m going to ask you to keep a few things in mind:

Just because I don’t have children doesn’t mean I’m not busy. I also have responsibilities.  It doesn’t mean my life is all glamour and shopping sprees. And it doesn’t mean that my time is any less value than yours.  Yes, we are using our time differently, but I’m not making judgements about yours.  So please refrain from making judgements about mine.

We’re friends.  And friendship is a two way street.  I listen to you and all of your stories because I’m your friend and I care about you.  If you’re my friend, than you should also want to do the same thing for me. You don’t have to call me every day or every week.. but you should want to call me or see me.. if not, maybe we should rethink this friend thing.

I matter. My life, though different than yours, matters. Ask about me once in awhile… without me just having to volunteer the information.

Not having kids does not make me selfish or a bad woman.

No, I’m not a mom.. but I’m human and am capable of emotions like love, loss and sacrifice.  So yeah, I might not be on the same playing field as you, but I’m the fucking queen of empathy and that comment is condescending and hurtful.. no matter how you meant it.

And on a personal note, FUCK YOU!! Cause I wanted to BE you but getting a divorce sorta threw a giant fucking wrench on those plans which I try despearately to put aside for the silver lining of all the other good things I have in my life. When you say these things/act this way…. it cuts straight through and I have to restitch myself back to together.

So to all my mamas…please be a little more gentle with your single and/or childless friends.  We have feelings too…

 

Love,  Stella

Girl Talk– Do We Sabotage Each Other?

Dudes, you should know…. when you go out with us, we’re telling our friends… EVERYTHING.

And together we sit and dissect every moment/phrase/look and event of a date.  We over analyze and read into situations.  I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve gone into the bathroom at a bar or restaurant on a Saturday night and overhead girls doing the, “Can you believe he said.. what do you think that meant???’ , “And then he grabbed my thigh under the table.. does this mean…?”, “Do you think he likes me?”….

And yes, I’ve done it too.  We all have.  And if you’re not with your friend at the time, you call them up and recount the situation.. which in my case means that I’ve missed some things so I end up with a  lot of.. “and ya knows” or “and stuffs”….

And your friends always weigh in…

 “He’s mentioned Lisa six times in that conversation? He’s fucking her.  Or he wants to anyway.”

“I mean, he needs to do the work here.  If he doesn’t call you and plan out the first 3 dates… you don’t have time for him.  You shouldn’t have to put in any effort here.”

“He’s not calling because he doesn’t want to call.  If he did, he’d make the time.”

“Do not have sex with him on the first date.. and if he’s talking about sex, he’s clearly only interested in that and not anything else.”

* at one point or another each of these sentences has been said to me, by well-meaning friends in response to my need to process situations out loud.

** purposely picked cause they probably sound like something you have heard from your friends as well.

So together we agonize.  We rationalize, hypothesize and any other mental function that ends in -ize that we possibly can do UNTIL you, our simple male counterparts, come in with your take:

“My cousin has been having a really hard time lately so I’m trying to help her out as much as I can.”  (Lisa)

If you’re interested in someone.. show it.  I’m just flat-out refuting that last one as I followed that advice and missed out on someone because he thought that by my lack of effort, I really wasn’t that into him.

Text message the next day, “Sorry I didn’t call last night.  My phone died.” (true or not, a reasonable explanation that NO ONE even brought up!)

“I have a really dirty sense of humor.. I’m not trying to be offensive at all.” (et tu, Brute)

And what have we really done?  We’ve freaked each other out.

We’re blowing simple things WAY out of proportion.  Reading between the lines, over the lines, under and all around the lines… and we create so much drama for ourselves that it forces us into situations where we have to say something to the men folk or they think we’re bat-shit crazy–and then we prove that is the case by opening our mouths and sharing some of these trumped-up scenarios.

It makes me wonder if the problem is really the opposite sex (or your significant others/people you want to have sex with) OR if it’s our friends?  Maybe by talking things out SO much we’re really sabotaging each other and our relationships?

Maybe sometimes we just need to shut the hell up and let nature take its course.

What do you think? Do we sabotage each other?

 

 

 

 

Stella’s Dating Resolutions for 2013

Despite what my last post may led people to believe… I went out for NYE with a good friend of mine and we had a great time. We did what we wanted,went with the flow, and performed as many random acts of kindness as possible.  We had a lot of laughs, stayed away from drama and made some new friends.

So now here I am in 2013 ready for all it’s going to offer me.

And according to my Yahoo love horoscops for 2013:

Pisces: Dynamic
As the most romantic sign of all, you’re prone to having extreme expectations when it comes to love. The first half of this year is about you getting serious — what do you really want for yourself? Date as much as you can to find out, because this summer will bring on a one-year wave of ardent love interests. Be prepared to consider some serious relationship prospects — but your rose-colored glasses must stay in your pocket, not on your nose, if you want to be successful. For you, clarity is key in 2013.

 

So my dating resolution is to be clear about what I want and who I am.

And date, often.

Cause Yahoo told me too… and it’s good for the blog. ; )

Game Over

I had to break things off with Game Boy.  I just wasn’t feeling it.  And not for lack of trying either.

So faced with, how do I do this?  I contacted my trusted pack of dating advisors and armed with my script (yep, I had to write it all out–remember me and my verbal diarrhea), I called him.

We started with small talk:

Game Boy: Hi.. how was your day? 

Me: Good, yours?

Game Boy:  Good.  What are you doing? 

Me: Just finishing up some Christmas gifts.. so look, I called cause I wanted to talk to you about something.  I think you’re a really good guy.  I just don’t think this is it for me.

SILENCE.

I wasn’t prepared for silence.. I was only prepared if he had a “Why?” or wanted to argue with me. So since my paper was blank, I stayed quiet.  

Game Boy: Okay?  soft…quietly…slowly.

Me: Ok. quick..relieved…

Game Boy:  I wish you didn’t feel that way. I think you’re really great…

Me: rushing in… I think you’re great too.. I’m just not feeling it. 

Game Boy: Well, have a great holiday then. Have a safe trip. Hopefully we’ll see each other again.  

Me: You too.  Merry Christmas.

Then we hung up.

I did a dance.  I did it! I was honest. Brief. Didn’t talk myself into circles and it felt like a mature meeting of the minds there.  I wasn’t feeling it and I let him down easily.  Right? 

Fast forward to 11:45 that night… 

Text message from a random number(random because I had already deleted his number) 

333-333-3333: hey stella, are you available to chat tomorrow?  Maybe I’m naive but I was just really taken back by what happened earlier and I’d like to chat casually.

I thought about responding. 

That conversation could go one of two ways: 1) He could try to win me back.  2) He could make me feel bad.  Since I didn’t want either of those outcomes, I didn’t call him/text him back.  

Sometimes relationships aren’t going to work out.  Sometimes one person is going to want more than the other person.  Sometimes that person may have a photo of you on their phone as their wall paper and invite you to spend a holiday weekend with them at their uncle’s after 5 dates.  Someone has to end it. 

This time it was me.  Better than a text message. 

 

 

I WANT to be dateless on New Year’s Eve

And here are my top ten reasons why…

10. I don’t want to deal with a puppy dog following me around all nigh OR be a puppy dog following anyone else.

9. My party clothes are too binding.

8. I want to  be concentrating on the good changes for 2013…not stressing about who I am or aren’t with on the last night of 2012.

7. I’ve been in serious hibernation mode, and nothing sounds better than my nice warm bed.

6.  I hate the crowds and all the NYE hype. (Sigh, does this mean I’m old?)

5. Most of my closest friends are in family mode and I don’t feel like being an extra wheel.

4. My friends who are not in family mode aren’t doing anything that I actually want to do.

3. I’m sick of doing my hair and makeup.

2. I take New Years very seriously in that it’s the closing of one year.. and where I am when the clock strikes midnight is pretty important to me…I can’t have some random dude be a part of that this year.

1. This is a chance for me to continue to celebrate me.. and what better way to do that than on my own.