Guest Post: Categorically Speaking

In light of a recent email or idea for a blog post or just some other idea, I figured it was time to do some math.

Yeesh.

After doing the math, I decided math time was over, and it was time to do what I do best, try to make pretty little categories and cram shit in there so it’s less chaotic and more orderly. So, without further ado, here are the categories of dudes I have had the sexy time with:

  •  Who?
  • The Web
  • Loved
  • Impulse
  • Fun
  • Dated
  • Casual

Now, In a perfect world, I’d be able to have these lists be mutually exclusive. But I haven’t seen a perfect anything lately, let alone a whole world. Have you?

So while you may think, holy crap, Collette is a giant hobag (and you may be right), it’s not as many dudes as you may think.Some of them exist in a few categories. Settle down, you.

I’d like to address each category, so today let’s start with FUN.

Here’s how it’s going down: Fun (5)

There are 5 awesome dudes in this category.

They were awesome way back when, they’re pretty awesome now. Even if by “now”, I just mean the way they exist in my memory. I didn’t want a relationship from them, and they didn’t want a relationship from me. We knew what we were getting into and we definitely got into it.

For some of us, things weren’t so simple down the line and some emotions got in our way a little bit. But when I think about it, I’d still hook up with 4 out of 5 them again, if we had the opportunity. They were just good old fashioned American fun, and I loved how carefree each one was at the time. I could say or do anything really with each one, and not be afraid all the time that he would think less of me. That was a pretty freeing feeling.

It helped me learn to relax a little bit also, being with these guys at different stages in my life. I found that I had an inner ferocity that I didn’t realize existed before. I stepped away from my wallflower self and moved toward my fiery self. It’s pretty cool, now that I am reflecting on it.

I like to think of everything as a learning opportunity, and that’s what my Fun 5 were. Lessons learned. Primarily that it’s okay to have a specific agenda or none at all. That it’s alright to enjoy the company of the guy who is right in front of you, without spending any time dwelling on the guy he was in the past or creating romantic ideas of the guy he’ll be in your future.

The Fun 5 taught me to live in the moment. They taught me to exist and love more freely. And they taught me how to let go. We parted ways and I’m okay with that for them all. I was then, and I am now.

I wonder how the guys I don’t keep in touch with are doing, and I hope they’re happy. There’s only one who I’m still in regular contact with and I don’t have to wonder about him. He’s just fine. And so am I. I owe part of that fine-ness to the Fun 5.

Thanks, boys!

xoxo, Collette

Rejection

I’ve been swimming along in this little dating adventure feeling like a big fish in a small pond.

There’s no good way to say this so I’m just going to say it.

In terms of the dating pond,  I had been  feeling like I was the hot fish in the tank.

Online dating has been relatively good to me.  No major scars. Nothing so traumatic I haven’t been able to come back from.. that being said, no major love connections either.  No one I was truly into….

Cue the Southern Boy.

My first EHarm date.  We’d been chatting on the phone for about 2 weeks before we finally went out, schedules and such..

He was the first date in a long time that made me nervous.  I was already kinda diggin this guy, his confidence and his openness… I was excited about meeting him and worried about how it would all turn out.  He was the date I had a minor panic attack over.

Our first date was nice… went well, had a lot to talk about.  No kiss.. but a friendly hug and let’s definitely do this again.

We continued to talk. Went out again.  I’m attracted to him (that seemed to be the area that was lacking most in many of my dates) and I’m wondering about making out with him when he starts saying things that are red flags for me.  “Doesn’t like Christmas.  Not a fan of the holidays.”  “Not a good relationship with his family.”  “No friends in the area”  “Prefers to stay home and watch movies” (in fact our last 3 dates were   hang-outs at his place, and once at mine. Red flags, red flags.. but I’m attracted to him… this counts for something. It’s early yet, I don’t end it. He’s the dude I went on this date with.

So let’s recap: I’m attracted to him.    I know it wasn’t going to work out but I’m not ready to end it.. I have this small hope that maybe, I’m wrong.

And also there’s this wild attraction I can’t get rid of…. hmmmm..

I think I’m awesome and clever (ya know, big fish > small pond) and think, no harm can come from a good healthy make out session… I’m attracted to him damn it!! He makes me feel sexy so I go for it.  And it’s fun, things are going well and bam!  Right in the middle of it, I feel the lack of connection and falter and he notices.  But neither of us says anything and on we go.

The next day we say goodbye.. and then I don’t hear from him.

We had made plans for a Wednesday night and in the span of the 2 days leading up to it, I received 2 texts.  Returns to my own messages.  Very odd for him (he liked to message me all day long) and talk to me every day.  At first I didn’t think anything of it, but on Wednesday morning, when I still hadn’t heard from him  I decided to text him:

Me: Hey, haven’t really heard from you. I’m assuming we aren’t doing anything tonight. Have a good day.

Him:  Hey, I was trying to think of the best way to tell you this but the other night wasn’t what I had expected or hoped. And I think you felt the same way.

I’m dumbfounded. What the fuck does that mean?!?!?!?!?

Me: The best way is to just be honest with me and say it. That’s one thing I’ve liked about you from the beginning, your honesty (even when it was completely inappropriate).  You’re right, I don’t think this is going to work out.  It was nice getting to know you.

end scene…

But here’s the thing. I’m hurt. And you can say, “But Stella, you weren’t that into him anyway and you didn’t think it was going to work out.”  And yes, you’re right but in my overanalytical way, I’m pretty damn sure that what I got there was a ” You suck at all things sexual” OR “You’re ugly naked”  send off.

AND OUCH, tt stings. A lot.

Guess I’m not that hot fish I seemed to think I was.

 

Has anything like this ever happened to you? How did you/do you handle it?

 

And who wants to be Kim Kardashian?!?!?!

 

“Every girl is expected to have caucasian blue eyes, full Spanish lips, a classic button nose, hairless Asian skin with a California tan, a Jamaican dance hall ass, long Swedish legs, small Japanese feet, the abs of a lesbian gym owner, the hips of a nine-year-old boy, the arms of Michelle Obama and doll tits.

The person closest to actually achieving this look is Kim Kardashian, who, as we know, was made by Russian scientists to sabotage our athletes. Everyone else is struggling.”- Tina Fey

 

In retrospect, I’m pretty damn hot.  Thanks Tina, I can always count on you.

 

Because it’s not all free dinners and movies

Dating is hard.

I’m saying this like you DON’T know it, but clearly if you’re here, you KNOW it’s hard.

Dating. The opposite sex.  WTF. Seriously?!?

Don’t think I haven’t contemplated just giving up men in general and becoming a lesbian (I already have a female friend picked out that I would marry in a heartbeat (HI Sweetie!!)  as long as  I could still have sex with men on the side!)..if only it was a choice and could be that simple!

Also, as my lesbian and gay friends have pointed out.. “Dating is just as ridiculous for us! You only think it’s easier cause it’s all the same hormones and you think we understand each other better… we don’t!”.

Fair enough.

So why many of my married and matched up  friends comment wistfully on my FourSquare checkins (one of my safety measures on dating!) and Facebook updates….

I’m silently cursing the fact that I have to do my hair and makeup on a Wednesday night (again!), dreading the “What do you do? Why are you single?” questions and trying to mentally go through the menu so I can make graceful and quick exits if need be.

I run into scheduling conflicts and time crunches.  Fitting dates in with the life I’ve created for myself is hard sometimes. 

I’m worrying about working out to not only fulfill my own health and fitness goals but because I know I’m going to have to be seen naked for the first time by a new man (assuming we get to that point).  Also.. eating out a lot means I have less control over the food I’m eating so I need the calories being burned. 

I’m trying to keep dudes straight.  Was this the military guy with 3 sisters or is this the guy who loves the Chicago Bears and plays poker with his buddies on Tuesdays? Did I already ask him these questions?

I’m worried that he won’t be attracted to me.  I’m worried I won’t be attracted to him. 

I’m thinking about butterflies and sex and could this possibly it? 

And I do this EVERY time I go on a date. 

How about you? What are you thinking/worrying about in the dating world?  What makes it hard for you?

 

 

The Ghosts of Relationships Past

I’m pretty sure we all hold on to traces of our old relationships, at least I know that I do.

My most significant relationship, to date, was my marriage.  We got together at a time where I felt really bad about myself. He was a catalyst in me doing something about that and for that, I can’t thank him enough.  During our relationship, I lost a lot of weight, figured out what I really wanted to be in life and started to really come into my own- emotionally, cognitively, and physically.

… all that being said, there are things that still haunt me in one way or the other:

I’m not really that funny, cause he told me I wasn’t.

I can’t wear heels… for no other reason except, “We aren’t “Nicole Kidman and Tom Cruise”, so I convinced myself that I couldn’t walk in them and that they would kill my feet.

I go to silence when I’m angry…. cause he fought back a lot quicker than I could, he was much quicker verbally and I could never process what I wanted to say fast enough.

I have to work hard and make someone like me….

Yeah, that last one… a doozy.  I am immediately suspicious if a guy shows me he like me too fast. I think there is something very disingenuine about it.  If you make it too easy for me… I feel like I don’t deserve it. If you chase me, I’m uncomfortable…. really uncomfortable. Somewhere along the line, and I do know exactly how…. I got the idea that I had to work for someone to like me. I had to prove that I was worthy. I had to put a lot of effort in for the relationship to work. How fucked up is that?

I was in a relationship with someone who never had to do anything to take care of me… and he never did. I had done all of the work… ALL OF THE TIME.  He was never quick with his affections or compliments.. so I distrust a lot of them now.  He never went out of his way to plan things for me or made a huge effort to make me feel special so I mistrust those deeds now.

I literally have to tell myself, out loud sometimes, that I am a catch and of course guys would fall in love with me… it’s the only way I can reassure that inner doubting Stella who sometimes still feels like a failure and still sometimes feels unworthy.   

I have friends, God love them, who will remind me that I do deserve someone planning an amazing trip to Miami, asking me out, staring at me in admiration… and I’m working on that.

I’m practicing accepting compliments and not freaking out when someone stares at my for 5 mins just because he wants to “admire me” or reaches for my hand first when we walk cause this is a ghost that I want to exterminate as soon as possible.