How soon is soon enough?

In this dance of dating… how do you decide when to have sex with a new partner?

Do you have a set number of dates?

Wait for a feeling?

Wait a certain length of time?


I’m just curious how the rest of you are doing this?  Clearly I need help figuring this part out.



I’ve been swimming along in this little dating adventure feeling like a big fish in a small pond.

There’s no good way to say this so I’m just going to say it.

In terms of the dating pond,  I had been  feeling like I was the hot fish in the tank.

Online dating has been relatively good to me.  No major scars. Nothing so traumatic I haven’t been able to come back from.. that being said, no major love connections either.  No one I was truly into….

Cue the Southern Boy.

My first EHarm date.  We’d been chatting on the phone for about 2 weeks before we finally went out, schedules and such..

He was the first date in a long time that made me nervous.  I was already kinda diggin this guy, his confidence and his openness… I was excited about meeting him and worried about how it would all turn out.  He was the date I had a minor panic attack over.

Our first date was nice… went well, had a lot to talk about.  No kiss.. but a friendly hug and let’s definitely do this again.

We continued to talk. Went out again.  I’m attracted to him (that seemed to be the area that was lacking most in many of my dates) and I’m wondering about making out with him when he starts saying things that are red flags for me.  “Doesn’t like Christmas.  Not a fan of the holidays.”  “Not a good relationship with his family.”  “No friends in the area”  “Prefers to stay home and watch movies” (in fact our last 3 dates were   hang-outs at his place, and once at mine. Red flags, red flags.. but I’m attracted to him… this counts for something. It’s early yet, I don’t end it. He’s the dude I went on this date with.

So let’s recap: I’m attracted to him.    I know it wasn’t going to work out but I’m not ready to end it.. I have this small hope that maybe, I’m wrong.

And also there’s this wild attraction I can’t get rid of…. hmmmm..

I think I’m awesome and clever (ya know, big fish > small pond) and think, no harm can come from a good healthy make out session… I’m attracted to him damn it!! He makes me feel sexy so I go for it.  And it’s fun, things are going well and bam!  Right in the middle of it, I feel the lack of connection and falter and he notices.  But neither of us says anything and on we go.

The next day we say goodbye.. and then I don’t hear from him.

We had made plans for a Wednesday night and in the span of the 2 days leading up to it, I received 2 texts.  Returns to my own messages.  Very odd for him (he liked to message me all day long) and talk to me every day.  At first I didn’t think anything of it, but on Wednesday morning, when I still hadn’t heard from him  I decided to text him:

Me: Hey, haven’t really heard from you. I’m assuming we aren’t doing anything tonight. Have a good day.

Him:  Hey, I was trying to think of the best way to tell you this but the other night wasn’t what I had expected or hoped. And I think you felt the same way.

I’m dumbfounded. What the fuck does that mean?!?!?!?!?

Me: The best way is to just be honest with me and say it. That’s one thing I’ve liked about you from the beginning, your honesty (even when it was completely inappropriate).  You’re right, I don’t think this is going to work out.  It was nice getting to know you.

end scene…

But here’s the thing. I’m hurt. And you can say, “But Stella, you weren’t that into him anyway and you didn’t think it was going to work out.”  And yes, you’re right but in my overanalytical way, I’m pretty damn sure that what I got there was a ” You suck at all things sexual” OR “You’re ugly naked”  send off.

AND OUCH, tt stings. A lot.

Guess I’m not that hot fish I seemed to think I was.


Has anything like this ever happened to you? How did you/do you handle it?


The Fuck Buddy


Sex without love?  Without a relationship?  What about committment? SEX IS SUCH A HUGE DEAL!!

Anyone out there agreeing with me?  Anyone else think I sound like a 14-year-old girl?

Bear with me ya’ll, I am a Catholic school girl.


Be honest, you were thinking this, weren’t you?

Well, I hate to break it to you friends, but it was more like this…

Google image.  I do not know these people but DAMN!! This is reasonably close to what I actually wore!

Google image. I do not know these people but DAMN!! This is reasonably close to what I actually wore!

Yeah, ok.. that’s still doing it for you… isn’t it?  What is it about the Catholic school girl that guys love so much?  I know just as many freaky public school girls! Maybe that should be saved for another post? Yikes… sorry for that tangent!!

Anyway, the Catholic upbringing brings me to my point.  I was brought up to believe that sex was this special intimate thing done between a husband and wife. This isn’t to say that we weren’t 13 year olds discussing hand jobs and playing 7 minutes in heaven at parties….but sex seemed like a huge deal to me as a young woman and not something to be taken lightly. So I was waiting for that special moment, not marriage, but after a year of dating a boyfriend exclusively for that to happen. In a beautiful hotel bed in Paris with champagne and chocolates.

And then you have sex for the first time (not in Paris,not in a bed and probably with Natty Ice) and many of us think, “Is that what I was waiting for?  That was the big, so special moment?” and you start to realize that sex, like everything else if life… really is what you make of it and what you want it to be.

It’s a human desire that needs to be fulfilled.  And as humans, we can get it in many different forms.

It can be an intense outpouring of love and committment.  It can also be raw, sweaty and pure lust.

Sometimes you have sex with someone and the little webs of intimacy and emotions weave tighter and tighter together. Then sometimes you can have sex with someone, get up, put your clothes on, high 5 and walk out the door… and these are the times that a fuck buddy is born.

I didn’t think I’d ever be the type of girl who could handle a fuck buddy. I get attached. Quickly. Easily. So much emotions….so much relationship building.  I care too much.

But damn… I sorta fell into it… and honestly, it’s exactly what post-divorce me needed.  No strings. No commitment and I could figure out who I was sexually with someone else.  I have no strings attached.  I don’t have to hang out with him. I don’t even have to respond to his calls/texts if I don’t want to and it’s cool.

And I’ll be damned if it hasn’t been a much-needed ego boost for me.  Remember, my shitty marriage?  No,cause I don’t talk about it?  It’s cool.. I do.. and I have had more sex (more good sex) since this divorce than I did in our 7 years together.

As for my inner Catholic school girl?

She just high-fived me.