And this song made me cry tonight
I sometimes give up on myself.
I give up the hope and belief that good things will happen for me when it comes to love…hell, when it comes to life.
I have to combat negative self-talk way more than I’d like to admit (though far less in the past 2 years than ever before.).
But as I give up hope there is a nagging little voice, that I like to equate to Tinkerbell, that semi-whispers into my heart that there is hope…that it could be… that the dreamer/fairy tale princess inside of me can actually win.
This week, Tinkerbell whispered with a photograph.
Thanks to Facebook, I was exposed to a very well-written article just about a month ago.
Any HUMAN, and yes, this means you!, needs to read this article.
I challenge any woman to not be able to find herself in this post and I challenge every man to think a little bit differently about how you treat women in general.
I had to break things off with Game Boy. I just wasn’t feeling it. And not for lack of trying either.
So faced with, how do I do this? I contacted my trusted pack of dating advisors and armed with my script (yep, I had to write it all out–remember me and my verbal diarrhea), I called him.
We started with small talk:
Game Boy: Hi.. how was your day?
Me: Good, yours?
Game Boy: Good. What are you doing?
Me: Just finishing up some Christmas gifts.. so look, I called cause I wanted to talk to you about something. I think you’re a really good guy. I just don’t think this is it for me.
I wasn’t prepared for silence.. I was only prepared if he had a “Why?” or wanted to argue with me. So since my paper was blank, I stayed quiet.
Game Boy: Okay? soft…quietly…slowly.
Me: Ok. quick..relieved…
Game Boy: I wish you didn’t feel that way. I think you’re really great…
Me: rushing in… I think you’re great too.. I’m just not feeling it.
Game Boy: Well, have a great holiday then. Have a safe trip. Hopefully we’ll see each other again.
Me: You too. Merry Christmas.
Then we hung up.
I did a dance. I did it! I was honest. Brief. Didn’t talk myself into circles and it felt like a mature meeting of the minds there. I wasn’t feeling it and I let him down easily. Right?
Fast forward to 11:45 that night…
Text message from a random number(random because I had already deleted his number)
333-333-3333: hey stella, are you available to chat tomorrow? Maybe I’m naive but I was just really taken back by what happened earlier and I’d like to chat casually.
I thought about responding.
That conversation could go one of two ways: 1) He could try to win me back. 2) He could make me feel bad. Since I didn’t want either of those outcomes, I didn’t call him/text him back.
Sometimes relationships aren’t going to work out. Sometimes one person is going to want more than the other person. Sometimes that person may have a photo of you on their phone as their wall paper and invite you to spend a holiday weekend with them at their uncle’s after 5 dates. Someone has to end it.
This time it was me. Better than a text message.
Game Boy stared at me, very seriously, from across the table.
He’s done this before… just very intently looked at me for a length of time and it’s made me uncomforable. EVERY.SINGLE.TIME. I couldn’t place my finger on why it was making me uncomforable… until tonight…
We were talking about something and right before he went into the intense stare he said, “That just makes you even more awesome…” and then the stare.
I was watching him fall in love with me, I realized it and it smacked me in the face… hard. And I’m not saying this because I conceitedly think that all guys fall in love with me.. I’m saying it because I could literally see it in his face. So I got uncomfortable. And nervous. And then I bit my lip, nervously laughed and said, “What are you staring at?” He got nervous and answered, “I’m just… uhh… I …. I’m admiring you. You’re gorgeous.” and I felt awkward. I replied, “Thank you.” and then made one of my uncomfortable awkward faces and tried to change the subject.
I felt terrified. I wanted to run.
Am I not ready for a relationship? Or is it just him that I’m not really that into?
I’m starting to panic. Is it the possibility of a relationship or is it just him? Either way.. this just doesn’t feel right.